Okay, so here’s the deal—back in 1867, the United States bought Alaska from Russia for $7.2 million. Seven. Point. Two. Million. That’s like what Jeff Bezos finds in his couch cushions. And we’re talking about 586,000 square miles of wilderness—mountains, glaciers, gold, oil, bears that are probably smarter than the average reality TV star. All of it, two cents an acre. It was the ultimate bargain, like the Black Friday deal of the 19th century.
But at the time, people called it “Seward’s Folly.” Like, “Oh, William Seward, you idiot. You bought a giant freezer full of snow cones and polar bears. How’s that working out for you?” Well, jokes on them, because Alaska turned out to be America’s glittering treasure chest. Gold? Check. Oil? Check. Amazing crab legs? Double-check.
Now fast forward to today. Russia’s having a rough time—wars, sanctions, and let’s just say Putin’s approval ratings are colder than Siberia. And out comes Vladimir Solovyov, one of Russia’s top TV personalities-slash-professional pot-stirrers, saying Russia should take back Alaska. Yeah, they want a refund—155 years later. Like, “Excuse me, sir, I’d like to return this purchase.” Honey, that receipt expired during the Civil War.
Oh, and he doesn’t stop there. He’s also eyeing parts of California, because apparently Russians planted a flag there once. You know, like when you forget your jacket at a party and think you own the house. What’s next? They’re gonna claim Disneyland because one guy in a fur hat sneezed there in 1812?
And Alaska Governor Mike Dunleavy—legend—shut it down real quick. He basically said, “Good luck with that!” Like, seriously, Russia? You’re struggling to keep up with Ukraine, and now you’re talking about taking on Alaska? Alaska, where toddlers wrestle moose for fun and grannies build igloos out of spite. You don’t want that smoke.
Let’s be real, though. This is classic distraction technique. Russia’s state TV is like, “Hey, don’t look over here at our crumbling economy and endless scandals. Look at that shiny tundra over there!” It’s the geopolitical version of “Oh my God, what’s that behind you?” Spoiler alert: it’s still your mess, Russia.
And honestly, America’s not worried. Because if it ever came to it, we’ve got Sarah Palin, who can see Russia from her house. She’ll let us know if they’re getting any ideas. So, to sum up: Alaska’s ours. Russia, you can keep dreaming. And next time you try to reclaim something, maybe start with something smaller—like a parking spot.
