Alright, folks, buckle up, because this story is juicier than a ribeye on a George Foreman grill. Picture this: a Florida man—and of course, it’s always a Florida man, right?—decides he’s gonna get healthy by going on a “carnivore diet.” Sounds simple, right? Meat, eggs, maybe a little dairy. But this guy? He took “eat like a caveman” and said, “Hold my butter.”
This dude wasn’t just eating meat. Oh no, he was slamming back 6 to 9 pounds of cheese a day. That’s not a diet, that’s a dairy-based death wish. You know what 6 to 9 pounds of cheese a day does to a person? It turns your insides into a clogged sewer pipe and your outsides into a freakin’ cholesterol Slip ’N Slide. The guy’s hands, feet, and elbows started oozing these yellowish nodules of fat. Think of it as his body screaming, “For the love of Gouda, stop!”
Doctors diagnosed him with xanthelasma, which is medical jargon for “Dude, put the cheddar down.” His cholesterol hit a whopping 1,000 mg/dL. For context, normal cholesterol is supposed to be under 193. This guy looked at 193 and said, “Amateur hour. Hold my mozzarella.”
And the media? Oh, they had a field day. They called this whole mess the result of a “carnivore diet.” Let me tell you something, that’s like calling a Twinkie binge a fruitarian cleanse because there’s cream filling inside. A real carnivore diet isn’t just shoving bricks of cheese into your face until your arteries cry for mercy. It’s about eating meat, fish, eggs, and maybe a little dairy—balanced, controlled, not “Cheese Mountain” with a side of butter bricks.
But no, now everyone thinks the carnivore diet turns you into a human fondue fountain. This is why people can’t trust nutrition advice anymore—because there’s always some guy out there going to extremes and making the rest of us look like idiots. It’s like blaming a bicycle for your broken leg when you were trying to ride it off a roof.
Look, if you’re gonna do any diet, you’ve gotta do your homework. Otherwise, you end up like this poor schmuck, who basically turned himself into a walking cautionary tale. Now he’s not just a guy with a cholesterol problem; he’s a punchline in the food pyramid of doom.
So what did we learn here? Moderation, people. Balance. And maybe, just maybe, don’t treat your arteries like an all-you-can-eat buffet. And if you’re thinking about eating six pounds of cheese a day, just remember—you might end up on the news, but not in the way you’d hoped.
