Okay, folks, let’s talk about something absolutely insane. Something so mind-bogglingly stupid that you can actually feel your brain cells pack their bags and leave your skull in protest. The Pentagon—yes, the Pentagon, the one responsible for keeping us safe—has decided that within the next 30 days, they’re going to go through every branch of the military, find every transgender service member, and fire them.
Not because they’re bad at their jobs. Not because they lack discipline. Not because they accidentally launched a missile at Iowa during a training exercise. No, no, no. They’re getting fired because someone up top—who shall remain unnamed, but let’s just say his name rhymes with Dump—has decided that transgender people are somehow a threat to military readiness.
Yeah. Sure. That makes total sense.
And here’s the kicker—there’s a little loophole! They can stay in the military if we’re in a full-scale war and the government decides, you know what, fine, I guess we need them. Because nothing says we value you as a human being quite like You’re not good enough to serve your country… unless we need more bodies on the battlefield.
Seriously, the logic here is impeccable. It’s like saying, We don’t allow lifeguards with tattoos, but if a tsunami hits, I guess you can grab a floaty and save some people.
And let’s just take a second to appreciate the absolutely brilliant strategic genius of this plan. You know, the military has this little concept called specialized training. It’s this wacky idea where they spend years, and I mean years, turning people into elite war machines with skills you cannot just replace with a Craigslist ad.
Like, take Major Alivia Stehlik—Ranger-qualified, Airborne-qualified, and deployed to Afghanistan. She’s literally responsible for keeping soldiers in peak physical condition. Yeah, definitely a good idea to fire someone who makes sure our troops don’t collapse like a Jenga tower during combat.
Or how about Kristin Beck, who was a NAVY SEAL. And not just any Navy SEAL—she was on SEAL TEAM SIX. You know, the ones who took down bin Laden? SEAL TEAM SIX isn’t just good at what they do—they are the best-trained human beings on the entire planet. They can kill you with a paperclip and a Post-it Note.
And if Kristin Beck were still serving today, guess what? She’d be on the chopping block. Because, clearly, being a transgender Navy SEAL is a bigger liability than NOT HAVING ENOUGH NAVY SEALS.
Yeah, that tracks.
And the official reasoning behind this? “Unit cohesion.” Because apparently, if a soldier finds out that the person covering their six is transgender, they’ll just drop their gun and go, Oh my God, I can’t possibly function under these circumstances! I need to lie down!
Really? REALLY? These are people who train in the freezing cold, survive sleep deprivation, and literally dodge bullets for a living. And we’re supposed to believe that the thing that’s going to break them is pronouns?!
Meanwhile, actual military studies—you know, the ones done by professionals with data and not by some guy on Facebook—say that trans people serving openly has zero negative impact on unit cohesion. But why listen to research when you can make decisions based on gut feelings and outdated nonsense, right?
And let’s talk about how this is happening. The Pentagon wants each branch to identify and root out transgender personnel. How, exactly? Are they going to start interrogating people at roll call? “Private, do you have anything you’d like to tell us before we inspect your Spotify playlist and see if you have too much Janelle Monáe?”
And then, once they find them, what do they do? Fire them? Just… throw away years of experience and training?
Imagine being on a SEAL team and watching your commanding officer say, “Okay, Jenkins, you’re up—oh wait, never mind, we had to fire the guy who actually knew how to do this. Good luck out there!”
The absolute kicker in all of this? The military is already struggling to meet recruitment goals. They are desperate for people. But apparently, they’d rather weaken national security than let a group of dedicated, highly trained individuals keep doing their jobs. Because nothing says “protecting America” like making sure fewer people are protecting America.
And I know what some people are thinking: “Well, this is just about keeping things the way they used to be.”
Yeah. The way they used to be. When we had policies based on irrational fear and discrimination instead of facts and logic.
At this point, it’s not even about transgender service members—it’s about whether or not you actually care about national security. Because if you do, the last thing you should be doing is kicking out trained, dedicated personnel for no reason.
If this policy had been in place years ago, we wouldn’t have had Major Stehlik keeping troops in peak combat condition. We wouldn’t have had Kristin Beck risking her life on SEAL Team Six.
And now, thanks to this genius move, we’re about to lose hundreds, maybe thousands, of highly skilled service members—for what? So someone at a desk somewhere can feel better about themselves?
So congratulations, Pentagon. Instead of strengthening our military, you’re actively making it weaker. Instead of honoring service members, you’re discarding them like last week’s bad takeout. Instead of protecting the country, you’re making sure we have fewer people to protect it.
But hey, at least you’re keeping the military free of those pesky trans people, right? What could possibly go wrong?
