So, imagine this. You’re Evan Gershkovich, an American journalist, doing your job in Russia. Then, BAM! You’re arrested for espionage. They throw you into a prison cell. They don’t give you a trial. They don’t give you decent food. Hell, they probably don’t even give you enough toilet paper. You’re stuck there, wrongfully imprisoned, for over a year. And you think, “Well, surely when I get home, things will get better, right?”
HA! WRONG!
You finally get released, you land in the U.S., and there’s a parade. Everyone’s clapping, people are crying. It’s emotional! You get a pat on the back from the President, a hug from your mom, and then… OH WAIT… what’s that lurking in the corner? It’s not a Russian agent! It’s worse! It’s the IRS. That’s right, Uncle Sam’s tax hounds are there to greet you with open arms and a fat stack of overdue bills!
Because, guess what? The IRS doesn’t care that you were kidnapped by the Russian government! You think Putin scares them? Please. They’re the ones who’ll take your last penny while you’re in a coma. While you were rotting in a Russian prison, they were here doing what they do best: charging you late fees, penalties, and interest. “Oh, you were in solitary confinement for 18 months? Tough break, pal! Now about those quarterly taxes…”
And you think that’s the worst of it? OH NO. It’s not just the IRS. The credit card companies, they’re salivating like a pack of rabid wolves. While you were trying to survive on bread and water, they were busy adding late fees, jacking up your interest rates, and sending you cheerful little reminders about “Missed Payments.” Don’t worry. We’ll reflect it on your credit for years to come—you excuse-laden deadbeat!
And what do they expect? Are they out of their damn minds? Like you’re sitting in a Russian gulag with your hands chained to the wall thinking, “Hmm, better log onto TurboTax before I miss that filing deadline. Hope they have Wi-Fi in this dungeon!” Meanwhile, the IRS is back home rubbing their greedy little hands together, licking their chops like, “Oh boy, someone’s got some unpaid taxes. Let’s see how high we can crank those penalties!”
Let’s talk about Terry Anderson, a journalist who was held hostage for almost seven years in Lebanon. SEVEN. YEARS. You think maybe, just maybe, the IRS could’ve cut him a little slack? Maybe waived a penalty or two? OH NO. Those late fees came rolling in like clockwork! “Oh, sorry about the whole torture thing, but we noticed you didn’t file for the tax year 1988. Could you get that to us, like, yesterday? And don’t forget the interest!”
And this doesn’t just happen to journalists. Oh no! Military POWs have to deal with this crap too! You get captured by the Taliban, and as soon as you get back, you’re greeted with, “Hey, welcome home! Now, about those back taxes you owe… We’d hate to have to garnish your wages. Oh wait, YOU DON’T HAVE ANY WAGES BECAUSE YOU WERE A HOSTAGE!”
It’s like being trapped in some Kafkaesque nightmare. And where’s the government in all this? You’d think maybe Congress, when they’re not busy screaming at each other about literally everything, could pass ONE FREAKIN’ LAW that says, “Hey, if you’ve been held hostage by a foreign power, we won’t charge you late fees on your taxes.” You’d think that would be a no-brainer, right?
But NO. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Because apparently, that’s too much to ask. I mean, heaven forbid the IRS miss out on squeezing every last penny out of someone who’s just survived the WORST year of their life. “Oh, you escaped a foreign prison? That’s nice. Here’s a bill for $13,000 in late fees. Welcome back to America, sucker!”
And it’s not just the IRS! Your student loans? Still ticking. Credit card debt? Still piling up. Because the financial institutions in this country don’t care if you’re stuck in some hellhole overseas. You could be locked in a North Korean labor camp, and Capital One’s gonna be like, “What’s in your wallet? Oh, nothing? Well, that’s gonna be a problem, because we need our minimum payment by Friday.”
It’s INSANE. Absolutely BONKERS. You’ve got people who’ve survived imprisonment, torture, God knows what else, and the first thing they’re hit with when they get home isn’t a warm bed and a hot meal, it’s a freakin’ tax bill.
So welcome home, Evan! Welcome home, Terry! Welcome home, every hostage, POW, and wrongfully detained American! Here’s your slice of freedom—and by slice, I mean a *bill*—served hot by the IRS, with a side of penalties and garnished wages. Welcome back to the land of the free! Oh, and don’t forget to file your taxes next year. Or else.
I bet you miss those leisurely days of lounging around the cell block, now, Dontcha? What the hell is wrong with this country??? Sometimes I think my head is going to literally explode! FML!
