Spoiler alert: Zelenskyy sucks at it.
Ah, Volodymyr Zelenskyy, a man of remarkable tenacity, the embodiment of courage under fire — quite literally — who, even while fending off one of the most dangerous autocrats on the planet, still finds time to pen diplomatic missives. Now, here we are on the 23rd anniversary of 9/11, and Zelenskyy has decided to weigh in with a heartfelt message. Very thoughtful, yes, but there’s something faintly off, isn’t there?
Let’s examine this splendid artifact of international relations, shall we?
“On behalf of the Ukrainian people, I extend our heartfelt condolences to the families and close ones of the 9/11 victims.”
Ah, the classic opener, the sort of thing you might say when you’ve just walked into a terribly somber gathering and don’t quite know anyone there. Lovely, polite, and yet… it has a whiff of form letter about it, doesn’t it? Like it’s been plucked straight from the Diplomatic Condolences for Dummies guidebook. One imagines his staff quickly Googling, “Appropriate thing to say to Americans on 9/11.”
But, we press on.
“We join our key ally, the United States, and the entire American people in today’s commemoration.”
Key ally, you say? This, my dear friends, is Zelenskyy nudging America in the ribs and reminding them, “Hey, remember us? We’re your best mates. We’re in this together, right?” It’s like turning up to your friend’s wake and whispering, “By the way, don’t forget who helped you move that sofa last year.” It’s subtle, but there’s always an ulterior motive simmering beneath the surface.
Then we hit the real kicker:
“We, Ukrainians, are all too familiar with the pain and grief of families who have lost loved ones as a result of terror.”
Ah, here it is—*relatability. It’s as if Zelenskyy is saying, “Oh yes, we’ve had a spot of terror ourselves. Terribly nasty business, isn’t it? So you see, we’re the same, you and I.” Well, yes, but not quite, dear Volodymyr. The 9/11 attacks were a single, horrific day that lives forever in the American psyche. Ukraine’s war is an ongoing saga of attrition, bombs, and trenches. Both dreadful, yes, but perhaps now is not the time for a “we’re all in this together” moment. It’s rather like someone at a memorial service telling you, “I know how you feel, my cactus died last week.”
But Zelenskyy presses on:
“We are determined to defend our common values against terror and aggression.”
Now we get to the real heart of the matter. You see, this isn’t just a condolence message. Oh no, this is a reminder, with all the subtlety of a foghorn in a library. It’s as if Zelenskyy is saying, “We’re all in this fight together, old chap, so keep those weapons coming, because we’re not just defending Ukraine—we’re defending you*.” It’s like he’s slipped a little invoice under the door during the wake. “So sorry for your loss, but while I have your attention, you know that check’s still in the mail, right?”
And the pièce de résistance:
“Terror must never go unpunished.”
Well, of course. No one’s suggesting we invite terror in for tea and biscuits. But this feels like Zelenskyy is pointing out the obvious while casually reminding everyone that Ukraine is still in the thick of it, fighting the good fight against Putin’s madness. It’s noble, yes, but also a tad opportunistic. It’s as if he’s saying, “I see your terror and raise you a full-scale invasion—so how about those anti-aircraft systems, then?”
Look, Zelenskyy, we understand. Your country is being torn apart by a tyrant, and you need to keep the world’s attention. But using the anniversary of 9/11 to remind the U.S. of Ukraine’s plight? It feels a bit like showing up to someone’s wedding and using the toast to remind them that you’re still waiting on that wedding gift from three years ago.
It’s all very earnest, and Zelenskyy’s heart is in the right place, but perhaps—just perhaps—there are times when a simple, “We’re with you,” would suffice. Because sometimes, the most powerful messages are the ones that don’t come with a side order of, “And by the way, about that aid package…”
