Ok, folks. Are you ready for this? If you’ve ever wondered where your tax dollars go, you might have imagined they fund roads, schools, or—hear me out—possibly the protection of a sitting president. But here’s the twist: Trump’s got a different interpretation of “protect and serve.” It’s called “protect me by staying at my hotels and paying through the nose for it!” Yes, the Secret Service—the folks tasked with keeping the president and his family alive—were charged more than $1,100 a night to stay at Trump properties. That’s not just a markup; that’s like buying an economy flight and finding out halfway through you’ve actually paid for a rocket ship to Mars!
Let’s break this down: the Trump International Hotel in D.C., where the Secret Service stayed, isn’t exactly your average Motel 6. No, it’s more like, “We’ll leave the overpriced minibar light on for you.” And the government rate for hotel rooms? Forget it. That’s for suckers who don’t own the hotel. So, while the Secret Service is there doing their job, Trump’s properties are cashing in. It’s like inviting people to your party, and then charging them for breathing the air in the room.
The House Oversight Committee has confirmed that, over the years, Trump’s properties vacuumed up more than $1.4 million in Secret Service cash. To be clear, that’s your tax dollars, people. And for what? A room where Secret Service agents probably had to pay extra for Wi-Fi and still ended up sleeping on suspiciously firm mattresses, all while protecting Trump’s relatives who, let’s be honest, weren’t exactly dodging sniper fire during spa day at Mar-a-Lago.
Now, if this weren’t so ridiculous, it would be genius. I mean, think about it: Trump literally found a way to make money off the fact that people had to stay at his hotels. It’s like someone forcing you to buy a souvenir from their gift shop on the way out of the White House. “Thanks for your service, here’s a keychain! That’ll be $25, please.”
And don’t worry, Eric Trump chimed in, as he does. He said the Secret Service was charged “at cost.” At cost?! Eric, honey, did the Trump International Hotel suddenly have gold-plated toilet seats I didn’t know about? Was the breakfast buffet made of actual unicorn meat? Because unless you’re telling me those rooms were lined with Fabergé eggs, I’m gonna call BS.
So where do we go from here? The Oversight Committee is still waiting on a full breakdown of how much was spent at Trump properties outside the U.S. Yeah, because you just know that staying at Trump Tower in Istanbul came with a side of “we can’t even count this high” on the invoice. The kicker? The Trump family’s globe-trotting left the Secret Service stuck paying whatever the Trump Organization decided was “reasonable,” which, let’s be honest, was about as reasonable as a toddler with a credit card.
Here’s the real scam, folks. Trump took his presidency and turned it into a loyalty program, but instead of collecting points, he was collecting millions in taxpayer money. It’s not just the “art of the deal”—it’s the art of how many times can I bill the government for a basic room with a view of my own ego?
So, the next time you see that line item on your tax return that says “contributed to public safety,” just remember: somewhere, a Secret Service agent is staring at a room service bill for $45 bottled water, wondering how the hell we all got here.
