Donald Trump’s cabinet picks for his second term are not just a collection of bad choices; they’re a demolition derby of incompetence and corruption. Each appointee seems specifically chosen to undermine, gut, or outright destroy the very department they’re supposed to lead. It’s less a team of rivals and more a team of wrecking balls, with each selection bringing its own unique brand of disaster. Let’s take this slow—like peeling a particularly rotten onion, layer by layer—so we can savor the full scope of the catastrophe.
Secretary of Defense: Pete Hegseth
Pete Hegseth’s resume peaks at Major in the National Guard. That’s right—Trump picked a man whose military career could comfortably fit into a half-hour PowerPoint presentation to run the Pentagon, a department with a $700 billion budget and the unenviable job of ensuring global security. Hegseth’s main qualification? Years of Fox News appearances where he waved miniature flags like they were magic wands that could conjure up patriotism.
Putting Hegseth in charge of defense is like replacing a brain surgeon with a guy who’s seen every episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Sure, he knows the lingo, but are you trusting him with the scalpel? Generals? Admirals? Even a competent colonel? Apparently, none of them could stomach licking Trump’s boots hard enough. Hegseth, however, stepped up. He’s less General Eisenhower and more Major Frank Burns—a caricature of military bravado with none of the strategic thinking required to avoid World War III. Expect a lot of bluster, photo ops, and policy decisions that make you question if he’s aiming for a war or just auditioning for a G.I. Joe reboot.
Secretary of State: Marco Rubio
Marco Rubio, the man who tried to stand tall in the 2016 Republican primaries only to be politically body-slammed by Trump, is now our top diplomat. This is a man whose nickname is Little Marco. Little Marco! The guy who couldn’t withstand a debate with Trump is now tasked with standing up to China, Russia, and Iran. It’s like casting a mouse as the lead in The Lion King.
Rubio’s foreign policy approach is best described as “tough guy with training wheels.” He loves to posture—talking big about democracy and standing up to authoritarian regimes—but when push comes to shove, he folds faster than a dollar-store lawn chair. His appeal to Trump’s base lies in his ability to sound aggressive without actually doing anything. The State Department under Rubio won’t just lack strategy—it’ll be the foreign policy equivalent of a toddler banging pots and pans together, making a lot of noise while everyone else gets headaches.
Attorney General: Pam Bondi
Pam Bondi’s career is a study in the art of looking the other way—preferably while holding out a hand for a check. Back when she was Florida’s Attorney General, she famously dropped an investigation into Trump University after Trump’s foundation sent a $25,000 “donation” to her political action committee. In any other era, this would have been career-ending corruption. In Trumpworld, it’s a resume builder.
Appointing Bondi as Attorney General is like hiring a bartender to monitor sobriety at an open-bar wedding. The Justice Department won’t be enforcing laws; it’ll be laundering Trump’s grievances. Lady Justice isn’t just blind under Bondi—she’s gagged, hogtied, and stuffed into a trunk labeled DOJ. If there’s one thing Bondi knows how to do, it’s protect the boss at all costs. Expect pardons to flow like champagne at a billionaire’s yacht party while real accountability is swept under the rug.
Secretary of the Treasury: Scott Bessent
Scott Bessent is a hedge fund manager, which tells you everything you need to know about what kind of Treasury Secretary he’ll be. He’s not here to regulate Wall Street; he’s here to make it rain for billionaires. If Treasury Secretaries were weapons, Janet Yellen was a precision scalpel. Scott Bessent? He’s a wrecking ball with dollar signs painted on it.
His pro-tariff stance appeals to Trump’s “America First” crowd, but tariffs are economic blunt instruments that hit middle-class Americans hardest. Think of it as a reverse Robin Hood policy: rob the poor to fatten the rich. While Main Street struggles to afford bread and butter, Bessent’s pals on Wall Street will be popping $2,000 bottles of champagne, laughing all the way to their offshore accounts.
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
RFK Jr. is a Kennedy in name only. The rest of his family is rolling their eyes so hard you can hear it echo across Hyannis Port. This is a man who built his career spreading vaccine misinformation—an appointment so disastrous it feels like satire. If Trump wanted to pick someone worse, he’d have to dig up Typhoid Mary.
Under Kennedy, public health will become a punchline. Imagine a CDC press conference where the official guidance is “just vibes.” Vaccines? Suspicious. Masks? Overrated. Herd immunity? Hope for the best. His leadership will set medicine back decades, with preventable diseases making triumphant comebacks. Measles, mumps, polio—get ready for the retro pandemic tour. Kennedy’s job should come with a Surgeon General’s warning: May cause widespread outbreaks, loss of faith in science, and general despair.
Secretary of Education: Linda McMahon
Linda McMahon ran WWE, which means her entire career has revolved around scripted fights and over-the-top theatrics. And now she’s in charge of public education. You couldn’t make this up if you tried. McMahon’s education experience is about as deep as a kiddie pool, but Trump loves her because she’s loyal, rich, and good on camera.
Under McMahon, expect schools to feel less like classrooms and more like corporate assembly lines. Teachers will be paid peanuts while tech companies and sponsors slap their logos on everything from textbooks to lunch trays. Remember when Betsy DeVos tried to privatize education? Linda McMahon will finish the job. If you’re looking for a secretary who values education, keep looking. If you want one who knows how to sell pay-per-view, she’s your gal.
Secretary of the Interior: Doug Burgum
Doug Burgum, North Dakota’s oil-loving governor, is set to manage America’s public lands. This isn’t just putting the fox in charge of the henhouse—it’s giving the fox a bulldozer and a drilling rig. Burgum sees natural beauty as something to be paved over and turned into profit. National parks? Think oil fields with better views.
Burgum’s leadership will leave future generations with postcards of what our national treasures used to look like. Teddy Roosevelt is spinning in his grave so fast it’s probably registering on the Richter scale.
Secretary of Labor: Lori Chavez-DeRemer
Lori Chavez-DeRemer’s experience with labor rights is nonexistent, which makes her the perfect pick for Trump. Her main job will be to gut worker protections while pretending to “streamline” regulations. It’s like hiring a burglar to install your home security system.
Expect wage stagnation, union busting, and workplace safety standards to go the way of the dodo. Workers under Chavez-DeRemer will have fewer rights than a temp at a gig economy startup.
Secretary of Transportation: Sean Duffy
Sean Duffy is a former reality TV star with the infrastructure knowledge of a fifth grader playing SimCity. He’s a walking MAGA hat who thinks holding a golden shovel for ribbon-cuttings is the same as fixing the nation’s crumbling bridges. Infrastructure Week will be a permanent joke under Duffy, with photo ops galore but zero progress.
Secretary of Energy: Chris Wright
Chris Wright, a fracking CEO, is basically Big Oil in human form. He’s here to turn back the clock on energy policy to the 1950s. Renewable energy? Forget it. Under Wright, every solar panel might as well come with a coal dust subscription.
Secretary of Homeland Security: Kristi Noem
Kristi Noem’s pandemic response in South Dakota was a case study in what not to do. Now she’s in charge of national security. If she handled cybersecurity the way she handled COVID, expect the country’s infrastructure to be hacked by a kid with a Commodore 64.
This isn’t just incompetence; it’s sabotage. Trump’s cabinet is the political equivalent of a wrecking crew on acid, smashing everything in sight and calling it progress.
But hey, at least they’re all super photogenic. Right? Right? God help us all!
