Okay, let’s talk about Donald Trump selling watches—because why the hell not, right? I mean, we’ve already seen him hawking everything from golden high tops to autographed Bibles (Who the hell does he think he is????) to NFTs that look like they were designed by a colorblind 12-year-old with access to clipart. So of course watches were the next logical step. And not just any watches—these babies range from a steal at $499 all the way to a $100,000 atrocity that looks like it was vomited up by Liberace on his worst day.
You know what? Scratch that. This isn’t even about the watches. It’s about the fact that Trump will slap his name on anything. It’s like watching someone play “Monopoly” but the board is just his face, and every time you land on a square, you owe him money for another tacky piece of junk. What’s next? Trump-brand hemorrhoid cream? Oh wait, I’m sorry—that’s probably already in production.
Now, get this—these watches, they come with a straight face and say, “Oh, they’re not political!” Yeah, because when I think of “non-political,” the first thing that comes to mind is a freaking $100k timepiece named Victory Tourbillon, with TRUMP’S NAME ON IT, marketed to people who chant his name like it’s going to save them from the collapse of civilization. But don’t worry, folks, it’s got nothing to do with his campaign. It’s just a coincidence that he’s selling watches while the world burns and he’s out here milking his supporters for every dime they’ve got left.
And for the love of all things holy, can we just pause for a second to appreciate the fact that Marco Rubio—yeah, little Marco himself—joked back in 2016 that if Trump hadn’t inherited millions, he’d be “selling watches in Manhattan.” Well, guess what? *Here we are! Rubio was right, but in the worst possible way. Trump didn’t even have to hit rock bottom to start pushing wrist junk for 100 grand a pop.
I mean, I’m almost impressed. Almost. The man is like a capitalist cyborg—he doesn’t eat, sleep, or feel shame. He just churns out one ridiculous scheme after another, each more absurd than the last. Golden sneakers? Why not. Commemorative coins with his face next to the White House? Sure! At this point, I wouldn’t be shocked if he tried to sell us Trump-branded air—breathe in the sweet, sweet scent of MAGA delusion for just $9.99 a whiff!
But no, instead, we get watches. These things are supposed to be collectibles, not “investments.” No, no, don’t be silly. You’re not going to make money off these watches—this isn’t fine Swiss craftsmanship we’re talking about. This is a Trump watch, which means it’s basically a countdown to when you realize you’ve been conned again, except now you’ve got a piece of gaudy jewelry to remind you of it every time you check your wrist. Now you can be reminded of Trump’s never-ending grift every single day. FML.
