So, Bob Woodward drops this new book, and guess what it’s about? Yeah, you guessed it—Trump and his private chats with Vladimir Putin, because nothing screams “totally normal” like a former president cozying up to a guy who’s basically the world’s least favorite Bond villain. According to Woodward, Trump and Putin have had seven—yes, SEVEN—phone calls since Trump left the White House in 2021. And Trump’s camp is out here acting like Woodward just made it all up, like, “Yeah, sure, Bob, I’m just fabricating a bunch of stuff about Trump to stay relevant. And I’m also in talks to be the next Dalai Lama.” I mean, come on, folks. Woodward has literally spent his whole life exposing the truth about morons in power, but sure, this time he’s just trying to grab the spotlight with some fiction.
Picture this: Trump in Mar-a-Lago, lounging in his office, telling his aides, “Hey, Steve, get out of here, would ya? I’ve got a private call with my buddy Vlad.” Because what could be more appropriate than a former president having secret chats with a guy who, last time we checked, is knee-deep in invading Ukraine? It’s like a bad sitcom: Trump’s talking golf courses and COVID-19 tests, and Putin’s over there, probably on mute, rolling his eyes, thinking, “This guy again?”
Oh, and speaking of COVID tests, apparently, Trump sent some over to Putin during the pandemic like it’s a box of cookies for a new neighbor. While Americans were fighting over tests like they were the last Tickle Me Elmo on Christmas Eve, Trump’s over here playing Secret Santa to the Kremlin. You’ve got to love how the guy who campaigned on “America First” decided to put Russia first when it came to pandemic supplies. It’s like if you found out your dad secretly sent your inheritance to that weird neighbor who’s always building bunkers in his backyard.
And the Trump campaign, naturally, is losing it. They’re out there saying Woodward’s got “Trump Derangement Syndrome,” like, “Yeah, Bob, this is just a cry for attention!” Because, you know, nothing screams desperate for attention like the guy who brought down Nixon and spent the past fifty years making powerful people sweat. I mean, why would Woodward, a dude who literally has a Pulitzer Prize, need to fabricate a story to get noticed? It’s like saying LeBron James took up basketball for the Instagram followers.
Meanwhile, Trump’s out here like, “I’ve got a great relationship with Putin; I could solve the Ukraine thing in no time.” Yeah, because clearly, private phone calls and secret COVID-19 gifts are just the kind of diplomacy we need right now. What’s next, Trump and Putin planning a theme park trip together? “Hey Vlad, let’s hit up Disney World. We’ll do the teacups, and then maybe chat about… oh, I don’t know, international sanctions?” And Putin’s like, “Yeah, sure, Donald, let’s do that. I’ll bring the invasion plans.”
But Biden’s gotta be watching all this with his head in his hands, muttering to himself, “Seven calls? Are you serious?” Meanwhile, he’s out here dealing with, you know, actual global crises, while Trump’s playing phone tag with Russia’s most wanted. It’s like if you caught your ex sneaking off for coffee with your worst enemy, but in this case, the enemy is a guy who’s actively trying to reassemble the Soviet Union. And somehow, that ex wants to be your boss again  .
And let’s not forget the Trump campaign’s response, which is basically like a middle schooler caught red-handed: “This is all lies! Bob Woodward’s crazy! His book should be used as toilet paper!” Yeah, because nothing says, “I’m innocent” like comparing an investigative journalist’s work to Charmin. It’s like, sure, Trump, keep telling us how you’re the victim of this elaborate conspiracy. And while you’re at it, maybe throw in a story about how you’re totally just buddies playing a virtual game of checkers. NONE OF THIS IS NORMAL!
