So you read the headline and you clicked because you want to know what a face fart is because you’re a complete sucker for toilet humor—a total sicko—so our kinda’ people. So, a face fart is something absolutely noxious that comes of a person’s mouth that has no real substance (usually), but still stinks worse than an Olde English Bulldogge after a thick bowl of chili.
This week’s batch of headline-stealing face farts were especially ripe. So, grab a clothespin for your nose and settle in for this round of noxious quotes that’ll make you question if there’s a functioning brain cell left in America.
Tony Hinchcliffe’s Puerto Rico Roast
How could we possibly start a list like this without mentioning Tony (whose was formerly known as “Tony WhoTheHellIsThat” but was forced to take in a unique last name people would remember after shoving his so-called “humor” onto the public stage. Over at Trump’s Madison Square Garden rally, comedian Tony “Hinchcliffe” decided that his best career move would be auditioning for “How to Lose Friends and Alienate an Entire Island.” His grand moment? Calling Puerto Rico a “floating island of garbage.” Bold choice, Tony. Nothing says “I’m a man of the people” like labeling 3.2 million citizens as flotsam. My only hope is that the next time he vacations in San Juan, they greet him with a special ‘welcome mat’ woven from recycled middle fingers.
Grant Cardone’s ‘Pimp’ Agenda
Next up, Grant Cardone, the real estate mogul who talks like he’s two espressos away from vibrating through a wall. At the same rally, Grant decided to show off his charm and rhetorical finesse by saying Kamala Harris and her “pimp handlers” would destroy the country. Because nothing screams political insight like throwing “pimp” into the mix for that extra touch of misogyny and paranoia. The guy could’ve just stuck to infomercials, but no—here we are.
J.D. Vance and the ‘Normal Gay Guy’ Gambit
And speaking of middle fingers, here comes J.D. Vance. The man’s running for vice president like he’s playing a game of “Who Can Say the Dumbest Thing While Trying to Get Votes.” On Joe Rogan’s podcast—because of course—Vance said, “We’ll get the normal gay guy vote.” That’s right, J.D. thinks LGBTQ+ support is like ordering off a fast-food menu: “I’ll take one normal gay, hold the pride parade.” He’s so confident, he might as well start offering punch cards: Vote for Vance five times and get your sixth bigoted statement free.
David Rem’s Double Dose of Delirium
And we’re back to Madison Square garden with this he-who-smelt-it-dealt-it showcasing stupidity with David Rem, who made his big splash by calling Kamala Harris “the Antichrist.” Now, I know Kamala’s laugh can be a little grating, but really? The Antichrist? If she’s the Antichrist, then what does that make Mitch McConnell? The guy hiding under the bed going, “It’s been me the whole time, mwahaha!” David Rem’s got the credibility of a tabloid headline, only less reliable and without the charm of Bat Boy.
Charlie Kirk’s Marital Paranoia
And just when you thought the week couldn’t get any dumber, Charlie Kirk steps up to the plate. He’s genuinely concerned that women are sneaking behind their hardworking husbands’ backs to vote for Kamala Harris. That’s right, ladies. While your man is out there bringing home the bacon, you’re apparently plotting electoral treason. Charlie’s got his finger on the pulse of marital trust issues—because nothing says “healthy relationship” like assuming your wife’s a secret agent for the opposition.
President Joe Biden’s ‘Garbage’ Strike
And because we’ve got to be fair, let’s not forget President Joe Biden, who decided to jump into the spotlight by calling Trump supporters “garbage.” You’d think the president would go for unity, but nope—he went straight for Oscar the Grouch. The only difference? Oscar did it with more tact. The best part? Hearing a million people say, “Well, at least he didn’t call us ‘basket cases.’” We love ya Joe, but come on, man, shut up up until Wednesday; will ya’?
Wrap It Up, and Hold Your Nose
So there you have it. This week’s roundup of the most memorable face farts from the political elite, each one a beautiful little brain fart that makes you feel smarter for not being in the room when it happened. Here’s hoping next week, someone finds the mute button before we all suffocate.
