You know, January 17, 1920, wasn’t just another day. No, it was the day the United States decided to officially lose its damn mind. That’s right, Prohibition started. The 18th Amendment and the Volstead Act teamed up to give America a big ol’ middle finger and said, “Hey, you know what’ll make life better? Taking away booze!” Because clearly, the only thing standing between society and a utopia was your uncle Frank’s ability to enjoy a whiskey neat.
And you’d think it couldn’t get any worse, but oh, my friends, it did. When people predictably said, “Screw that, we’ll make our own alcohol!” the government didn’t just say, “No, no, no.” They said, “How about we kill you for trying?” That’s right, the government—the people whose job is supposedly to keep us alive—decided the best way to enforce the no-drinking rule was to poison the alcohol. Yeah, because nothing screams “public safety” like mass murder in the name of sobriety.
Here’s how it worked: people were distilling industrial alcohol. You know, the stuff meant for cleaning floors or stripping paint. Bootleggers would take that, filter it, and boom—moonshine! But Uncle Sam wasn’t having it. Oh no. They decided, “We’ll just add a little methanol, maybe some kerosene, and—what the hell—a dash of death.” And suddenly, drinking was like playing Russian roulette with your liver. Want a cocktail? How about a Corpse Reviver? Except this time, it’s literal!
Now let’s talk numbers, because they’re not funny but they’re important—and holy hell, are they horrifying. In 1926, New York City alone reported 750 deaths from this toxic booze. And the next year? Hundreds more. By the time Prohibition ended, over 10,000 people had died. That’s not a crackdown on crime. That’s a horror movie.
And the quotes? Oh, the quotes. New York City’s medical examiner, Charles Norris, basically threw his hands in the air and said, “The government’s killing its own people and doesn’t even care!” And then you had Wayne Wheeler from the Anti-Saloon League—this guy, who probably thought oatmeal was too spicy, actually said, “If you drink industrial alcohol, you’re committing suicide.” No, Wayne, it’s not suicide when the government loads the gun and hands you the bullet.
This wasn’t just bad policy—it was evil genius-level stupidity. The whole idea was to stop people from drinking, right? But guess what happened? People drank more! Because if there’s one thing Americans love, it’s doing exactly what they’re told not to do. You tell us we can’t have a drink, we’ll open a speakeasy in your grandmother’s attic and toast with bathtub gin.
And here’s the kicker: all this death and chaos, and it didn’t even work! Prohibition failed so hard it’s still the punchline of history class. It’s the ultimate cautionary tale of what happens when the government tries to out-stupid the public. And trust me, that’s not an easy contest to win.
So let’s remember this darkly hilarious mess for what it was: a monument to bad ideas. The government poisoned its own people to stop them from drinking, and the people said, “Pass the poison, I’ve had a rough day.” Cheers to that, I guess!
