Ohhhh, man. You’re not gonna believe this one. You think politicians are working on healthcare? Infrastructure? Maybe making sure you don’t have to sell a kidney to afford eggs? No. No, no, no. My man, Rep. Joe Wilson, from the great state of South Carolina, has a different idea. You know what America really needs right now? A $250 bill. And who’s gonna be on it? Take a wild guess. Go on. I’ll wait.
Donald J. Freakin’ Trump.
Yeah, that’s right. While you’re sitting there deciding whether to put gas in your car or pay your rent, these geniuses in Congress are drafting legislation to slap Trump’s face on money you’ll never see because who the hell has an extra $250 just lying around?!
And Wilson’s reasoning? Oh, you’re gonna love this. He says inflation is so bad that Americans need bigger bills to carry around more cash. Oh yeah, buddy, that’s the problem. It’s not that people don’t have the cash—it’s that their wallets are just too cramped with all those pesky twenties and fifties! You ever see a guy struggling to close his wallet and think, Man, if only we had a bill worth exactly $250, this poor guy wouldn’t be suffering!
And let’s not forget—the U.S. has this little rule about not putting living people on our money. But Wilson? He’s just out here like, Screw it, let’s change the rules! Because apparently, honoring dead presidents and historical figures is just so last century.
But wait! It gets better. This isn’t the only genius idea coming from the “Trump is a God” fan club. Last month, another bright bulb in Congress, Anna Paulina Luna, suggested we carve Trump’s face into Mount Rushmore. (foxnews.com) That’s right—move over, Lincoln! You freed the slaves? Cute. This guy took selfies with fast food!
And here’s the best part—none of this helps anybody. You’re out here juggling credit card debt, medical bills, and the price of a decent sandwich, and these people are spending their time brainstorming new ways to make Trump feel special. Forget minimum wage increases, forget affordable housing—what we really need is a souvenir Trump-themed banknote for rich people to snort coke off of.
And let’s talk logistics. The biggest bill in circulation right now is the $100 bill. You start printing bigger ones, and guess who’s gonna love that? Drug cartels, scammers, money launderers. That’s right! You think your local grocery store wants to deal with some jackass trying to pay for a gallon of milk with a $250 bill? “Sir, do you have anything smaller?” “Yeah, I got a Trump $250.” “Okay, well, get the hell out.”
And do you wanna know what’s even funnier than the bill itself? The fact that if it ever did get printed, it still wouldn’t be enough to cover Trump’s legal fees.
So, to recap: You’re struggling, the economy’s a mess, but don’t worry—Congress is hard at work making sure Donald Trump gets to be the first living person on American currency. Because that’s the priority. And if you think this is nuts, just wait. Next month, they’ll be proposing a Trump casino chip as legal tender and a $500 bill shaped like his hair.
And people wonder why the aliens won’t talk to us.
