Alright, folks, buckle up, because the House of Representatives just dropped their long-awaited Ethics Committee report on Matt Gaetz, and hoo boy, it’s a doozy. Spoiler alert: the guy comes off as such a flaming dumpster fire of a human being, you half-expect raccoons to be rooting around in his suit pockets.
Chapter One: The Bahamas, Brothels, and the Brainpower of a Goldfish
Let’s start with the Bahamas trip. You know, because what says “responsible public servant” like a lavish, jet-setting vacation funded by God-knows-who while you’re supposed to be doing things like, I don’t know, representing your constituents? According to the report, Gaetz skipped the whole “paying for it himself” part and just let someone else foot the bill. The House called this a bribe. I call it proof the man is a walking Groupon for bad decisions.
But wait—it gets better. This wasn’t just some pina colada-fueled getaway. No, no, no. This trip had everything: private planes, questionable parties, and more sketchy characters than a Nicolas Cage movie. If you think Congress doesn’t care about ethics, let me tell you, they care enough to absolutely roast Gaetz for this one. They practically gift-wrapped this report with a bow that says, “This guy is a human trainwreck.”
Venmo: The Official App of Morons
And then we get to the payments. Oh yeah, the payments. The committee uncovered over $90,000 Gaetz sent to women, some of whom were allegedly paid for—you guessed it—sex. And, like the genius he is, Gaetz left a digital trail. Venmo. Freaking Venmo. Because nothing says “criminal mastermind” like using the same app your cousin uses to split a bar tab.
One of these women was 17 at the time. Seventeen. You know, the age where you’re debating whether to take AP History, not whether to take Matt Gaetz’s hush money. And what did Gaetz do when he found out her age? He kept going. Like the red flag factory wasn’t already running on overtime.
Drugs, Drama, and That Unmistakable Whiff of Desperation
Apparently, Gaetz didn’t just stop at paying for sex. Oh no, my friends, the report says he was also doing drugs during these escapades. Cocaine, ecstasy—you name it. This guy partied like the Wolf of Wall Street, except instead of running a Fortune 500 company, he was running a full-speed sprint toward federal indictment.
And here’s the kicker: when the Ethics Committee came knocking, Gaetz pulled every move in the book to block their investigation. He might as well have answered the door holding a neon sign that said, “Totally guilty, but let’s drag this out, shall we?”
The House’s Verdict: Total Garbage
So, what’s the verdict from the House of Representatives? Let me put it in simple terms: If Congress had a landfill, they’d reserve a VIP spot for Matt Gaetz. This guy’s behavior was so repugnant, so cartoonishly awful, you half-expect the House report to come with a little note that says, “We’d like to apologize to actual garbage for the comparison.”
Career Change: From Congress to Conspiracy TV
Now, if you’re wondering what Gaetz is up to these days, don’t worry—he’s not suffering. Nope. He’s lined up a sweet gig hosting a show on One America News Network. Because, of course, the guy who turned his political career into a frat boy reality show would land at the only network where facts are treated like optional toppings on a burger.
And get this—he’s still out there playing the victim, calling the report a “political hit job.” Yeah, sure, Matt. The whole Ethics Committee is just jealous of your Venmo emojis and your unmatched ability to flame out like a Fourth of July sparkler.
A Cautionary Tale… for Idiots
Let this be a lesson, folks. If you’re gonna be corrupt, at least don’t be stupid. Don’t leave a paper trail. Don’t pay for sex with digital receipts. And for the love of all that’s holy, don’t act surprised when the House Ethics Committee shows up with a flamethrower and torches what’s left of your career.
Because here’s the thing: If you’re a piece of human garbage, people will eventually notice. And when they do, they’ll write a 267-page report about it. And that, my friends, is the legacy of Matt Gaetz—a man who flew too close to the sun on wings made entirely of cocaine and bad decisions.
Hey, Matt, If you’re reading, Welcome to your own personal version of the United States of go F#ck yourself!
