Okay, folks, buckle up because today’s ride through the political funhouse is a wild one. President Donald J. Trump—you know, the guy who once looked directly at an eclipse and thought, “Yeah, this seems fine”—just signed an executive order that basically says, “Hey, from now on, only I and my Attorney General can decide what laws mean. Not Congress, not legal experts, not regulatory agencies, not that nerd in the corner of the room who actually reads the Constitution. Just me and my personal legal cheerleader.”
That’s right. The President of the United States has officially declared that he and his Attorney General are the only ones allowed to interpret federal law. So, you know, super normal behavior for a democracy! Nothing to see here! Just a little casual dismantling of the checks and balances that have kept this whole rickety American experiment from turning into a full-blown dictatorship.
And if you’re thinking, Wait, didn’t he already claim he could do whatever he wanted as President? Oh, sweet summer child. This is that, but on steroids. This is the unitary executive theory in full, glorious, possibly treasonous bloom. The idea is that the President should have total control over the executive branch—like a CEO, except instead of firing people for taking too long in the bathroom, he can now just straight-up rewrite legal reality to fit his vibes.
But wait, there’s more! As if this wasn’t enough of a power grab, today he also signed an executive order bringing independent agencies—like the FCC, FTC, and SEC—under direct White House control. You know, those agencies that are supposed to keep things fair and stop corporations from, I don’t know, selling your kidneys on eBay? Yeah, they now have to run all their decisions past the White House before doing anything. Which means, if you were hoping for a functioning government that can regulate things like, say, financial fraud or giant telecom mergers, well… best of luck to you, my friend.
And because Trump loves to turn over every rock just to see if there’s still a democracy left underneath it, he also ordered a six-month pause on investigations into the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. That’s the law that says U.S. companies can’t bribe foreign officials. So if your dream was to open up a “totally legitimate” casino in Kazakhstan with a few well-placed gifts to local politicians—congratulations! Christmas came early!
Now, let’s step back for a second. This is all happening because Trump and his people believe in the unitary executive theory—which, in layman’s terms, is basically the idea that the President is the only person who matters in the executive branch. That’s it. No pesky regulators, no independent agencies, no career officials who actually know what they’re doing. Just one guy at the top calling all the shots, surrounded by yes-men who nod so hard they risk whiplash.
And look, I get it—being President sounds exhausting. All those laws, all that oversight, all those annoying little people asking, “Sir, have you read the Constitution?” So why not just scrap the whole “separation of powers” thing and let one dude decide everything? What could possibly go wrong?
Oh, right. Everything.
This isn’t how democracy works. This is how you end up with a government that runs on vibes and grudges. And when you have a President who changes the rules of reality based on whatever gets the biggest applause at his next rally, that’s not just dangerous—that’s straight-up authoritarianism with a spray tan.
So where do we go from here? That’s the question. Will Congress push back? Will the courts intervene? Or will we all just sit back, pop some popcorn, and watch democracy speed-run its way into the history books under “Things That Were Cool for a While, But Ended Badly”?
Because here’s the thing—if the President alone gets to decide what laws mean, then laws stop meaning anything. And if laws stop meaning anything, then… well, we’re screwed.
And if you don’t believe me, just wait until your local DMV starts issuing driver’s licenses based on presidential mood swings. “Sir, do you have proof of residency?” “The President said laws don’t mean anything, so I’m just gonna go ahead and interpret that as a ‘yes.’”
Good luck out there.
