o, here we are—2025, and President Trump is back in the Oval Office, signing executive orders like a kid with a Sharpie and a wall he doesn’t have to pay for. Only this time, the stakes aren’t just high—they’re apocalyptic. He’s not just undoing the progress of the last administration; he’s taking a flamethrower to it while yelling, “You’re fired!” at our collective future.
Gender? Never Heard of It
First up, the big one: gender. That’s right, folks—Trump signed an order declaring that gender is now as simple as his vocabulary. Male or female. Pick one and pray your anatomy matches his chart from 1952. No more funding for transition services, no more legal recognition for identities beyond male and female, and definitely no room for nuance. It’s like the government’s new motto is: “If it’s complicated, we don’t want to hear about it.”
Oh, and DEI programs? Diversity, Equity, Inclusion? Gone. Wiped out faster than a staffer who dares to ask, “Should we maybe think this through?” Apparently, inclusivity is bad for merit. Which is ironic, coming from a man whose résumé is basically, “Dad gave me money, and I ruined stuff.”
The Border: Walls, Troops, and Terrorists
Over at the border, we’ve got a national emergency. Again. Because if there’s one thing this administration loves, it’s pretending the border is Mad Max Fury Road. Troops are being deployed, and cartels are now officially “foreign terrorists.” Bold move, considering our biggest national threats are usually homegrown and wearing tactical gear bought on sale.
Oh, and he’s bringing back “Remain in Mexico,” which sounds less like a policy and more like advice we should all take for our next vacation.
Pardon-palooza: January 6 Edition
Let’s talk about the pardons. Over 1,500 January 6 rioters are walking free right now. That’s right—people who turned the Capitol into the world’s worst cosplay convention are being welcomed back into society. If you stormed the Capitol, good news! If you stormed the Capitol dressed as a buffalo? Well, that’s just art, apparently.
For the rest of us, it’s a clear message: consequences are for suckers. Or, as Trump might put it, “The law and order presidency… as long as it’s not my people breaking the law.”
Climate Crisis? Not Our Problem
And then there’s the Paris Agreement. Or, as it’s now known, the Paris Suggestion. We’re out—again. Because who needs international cooperation when you’ve got coal and vibes? Climate scientists are freaking out, but don’t worry—Trump’s got a plan. It’s called: “Nothing matters, the sun will sort it out.”
Office Life is Back, Baby
Finally, federal employees, listen up: remote work is over. Get your butts back to the office five days a week. COVID didn’t end, but apparently, patience for Zoom calls did. Oh, and don’t get too comfy—Schedule F is back, so if you don’t kiss the ring, you might be replaced by someone whose qualifications include “tweeted nice things about Trump once.”
The Audience Reaction: Screaming in the Streets
The nation’s reaction? Equal parts protest and existential dread. Some people are cheering; others are checking Zillow listings in Canada. And the rest of us are just sitting here, hoping Netflix starts a new series called “How to Flee a Failing Democracy.”
So, yeah, the Trump Administration is back, and it’s bigger, bolder, and more chaotic than ever. Welcome to 2025, where rights are rolled back faster than a Black Friday TV deal, the planet is on fire, and the only thing we can count on is that things will probably get worse.
But hey, at least gas is cheap.
