So here we are folks, watching our stock portfolios do a perfect impression of my hopes and dreams—plummeting faster than you can say “trade war!” I mean, when Trump announced those tariffs, earning him our notorious Skidmark of the Week award, the Dow and S&P 500 didn’t just fall; they went full-on lemming off a cliff! Over 2,200 points down? That’s not a dip, that’s an audition for a disaster movie!
And what’s the deal with these tariffs? Ten percent on everything (at a minimum – quite a few countries got WAY worse)! It’s like the U.S. economy went on a shopping spree and Trump was like, “Let’s make this interesting with a little extra challenge!” And let’s not forget, China’s not just sitting there; they slapped a 34% tariff right back on us. They’re not the only one threatening us. It’s like watching grandparents argue over who loves you more by upping the ante on your birthday checks.
Investors are now treating Treasurys like a hot new club everyone wants into because it’s the only place not spiraling into chaos. The dollar’s dropping so fast it might actually win the limbo contest at this rate. And the stock market? It lost $6.6 trillion in two days. If money could talk, it would be screaming, “We’re in free fall, baby!”
Meanwhile, world leaders are in the retaliation mood. Canada, the EU—they’re all flashing tariff cards like it’s the worst game of poker ever. “Oh, you raise 10%? I’ll see your 10% and raise you 15%!” Next thing you know, they’ll start throwing in free toasters just to up the stakes.
We’re sure it’s no shocker to hear that Trump’s decisions have not only rocked the financial world but also solidified his spot as our Skidmark of the Week.
So, here’s the takeaway: While Trump thinks “the markets are going to boom,” I think someone needs to tell him they’ve already gone ‘boom’—right in our faces! Now, can somebody please check on my 401k? I think it’s crying under a table somewhere.
