Oh, you thought today was going to be a normal day? You thought you were just going to wake up, drink your coffee, and maybe, I don’t know, NOT tumble headfirst into a constitutional crisis? Well, joke’s on you, because here we are, folks.
Yesterday, we were graced with yet another episode of What the Hell Are We Even Doing Anymore?—starring, of course, sitting president and full-time chaos goblin Donald J. Trump. His latest move? Declaring that all of Biden’s pardons are, and I quote, “void, vacant, and of no further force or effect.” Why? Because Biden may have used an autopen—yes, a machine that replicates a signature—to sign them.
That’s right. We are now at the Sharpie vs. Autopen stage of American democracy. Who knew that the fate of the republic would hinge on the difference between hand-signed and robotic scribble?
But let’s back up. Biden issued some last-minute pardons before leaving office—some preemptive ones for members of the January 6 Committee, like Liz Cheney and Bennie Thompson, and a few other high-profile figures like Dr. Anthony Fauci and General Mark Milley. You know, people Trump really wanted to see in prison because science and defending democracy are obviously crimes now. And Biden, being a modern guy with probably achy hands, might have used the autopen to sign off on them.
Enter Trump, stage right, frothing at the mouth, declaring these pardons completely null and void. Because apparently, if a pen-wielding cyborg helped out, it doesn’t count? Even though every president since the 1960s has used an autopen to sign official documents? Even though in 2011, Obama literally signed an extension of the Patriot Act while he was in France using an autopen and nobody batted an eye?
But no, now it’s a scandal. Now it’s an attack on democracy. Now it’s stop the steal 2: Electric Boogaloo.
And here’s where things get really stupid—because legally, a sitting president cannot revoke a pardon issued by a previous president. That’s just not a thing. Once a pardon is granted, it’s granted. It’s like trying to un-toast bread. You can’t do it. But Trump doesn’t care about legal precedent, the Constitution, or basic reality—he’s just flinging stuff at the wall and hoping something sticks.
His argument is that Biden—brace yourselves—didn’t actually know about these pardons because of cognitive decline, and that rogue White House staffers might have just… forged them with the autopen like some kind of Oval Office heist movie.
I mean, sure. Why not? Let’s throw that on the pile with space lasers, secret deep-state tribunals, and whatever else gets the MAGA crowd hyped.
The reality is this: The autopen is fine. The law is fine. The pardons are fine. What’s not fine is that we have a guy who lost the election, tried to overturn it, sent a mob to storm the Capitol, and now—somehow—he’s back in power, throwing temper tantrums over Joe Biden’s robot pen.
This is where we are, America.
And the best part? This will probably go to court. Because of course it will. Because nothing is too stupid for a Supreme Court that once seriously debated whether corporations are people. So, grab some popcorn, because we are about to watch a bunch of justices in robes argue over whether a machine with a pen invalidates the powers of the presidency.
Welcome to 2025. Land of the Free. Home of the Dumb.
