You ever have food poisoning so bad you start seeing Jesus? Like, full-on praying to the porcelain gods, wondering if this is how it ends? Well, buckle up, because thanks to these new FDA layoffs, that might just be a regular Thursday night for all of us.
Yep, the Trump administration—because of course—just went on a firing spree, slashing thousands of jobs across the Department of Health and Human Services. And guess who took the hardest hit? The FDA. That’s right, the folks responsible for making sure your chicken isn’t a salmonella smoothie and your lettuce isn’t packed with E. coli surprise. Apparently, we don’t need them anymore! I mean, who doesn’t love a little Russian roulette with their romaine?
And it’s not just food safety folks getting axed—it’s the people who inspect medical devices and review tobacco products, too. So now we’ve got a future where your pacemaker might be a TikTok hack and your cigarettes will come with a free side of asbestos. But don’t worry, Big Pharma’s still making billions, and that’s what really matters, right?
Let’s talk about timing. Because this is like getting rid of lifeguards after a shark attack. In just the past year, we had a listeria outbreak from Boar’s Head deli meat that killed 10 people. TEN. That’s not a recall, that’s an Agatha Christie novel. Then we had the McDonald’s E. coli fiasco where their slivered onions basically turned into biological weapons. But sure, let’s fire the people stopping this from happening again. What could possibly go wrong?
And the way they did these layoffs—oh, it was textbook incompetence. Picture a guy in a MAGA hat and cargo shorts, just spinning a wheel like, “Congratulations! You no longer have a job, and America no longer has safe food. Next!” Insiders say it was total chaos—just random firings with no thought to how we’re all supposed to not die from eating a Hot Pocket.
And the experts? Oh, they are pissed. One health professor, Reshma Ramachandran, straight-up said, “On day one, they’re gutting the agencies that keep Americans healthy.” You know what that is? That’s what’s known in medical terms as a dumpster fire.
So now we’re living in a country where you’re gonna have to fact-check your lunch. Grocery shopping will be like playing “Two Truths and a Lie.” One of these ingredients will nourish you, one will kill you, and one is secretly plastic—go!
The FDA exists so we don’t have to play detective every time we eat a damn sandwich. But now? Now we’re just one step away from seeing a Surgeon General warning on a can of Pringles: “Consume at your own risk. Good luck, sucker.”
Look, I know some people think government regulation is bad, but let me tell you—when it comes to things like food safety, I’d rather have some bureaucrat in a lab coat making sure my ground beef isn’t 50% E. coli than trust the free market to handle it. You know what capitalism does when it’s unchecked? Horse meat in your burgers. That’s not a joke—that literally happened. And guess who caught it? The FDA. Guess who won’t next time? Yeah.
So what do we do? We get loud. We demand answers. We remind the people in charge that just because they don’t eat anything that costs less than $100 a plate doesn’t mean the rest of us want to play Survivor: Grocery Store Edition.
Because if we don’t? The next food recall won’t be a news story—it’ll be your dinner.
