So, let’s just lay this out real simple. Imagine you’re in a bar fight. Some guy punches you in the face, steals your wallet, and then—just as you’re about to fight back—two random dudes you don’t even know step in and say, “Alright, let’s negotiate peace.” But here’s the kicker: they don’t invite you to the negotiation. You just stand there, bleeding, while these guys sit at a table, drinking whiskey, and discussing how to divvy up your wallet.
Welcome to Trump and Putin’s idea of “peace talks” for Ukraine.
This week, in what can only be described as the geopolitical equivalent of a back-alley shakedown, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin decided to start brokering a deal to end the war in Ukraine. And by “end the war,” I mean, talk amongst themselves while Ukraine awkwardly stands in the corner like a kid who wasn’t invited to his own birthday party.
And I know what you’re thinking: “Wait, shouldn’t Ukraine—the country being invaded—be part of the discussion about its own war?” Oh, you sweet, innocent summer child. That’s not how this works. This is high-level, top-tier, master-class, business deal-making, baby! You think Trump spent decades stiffing contractors and running casinos into the ground just to include other people’s opinions in his negotiations? Please.
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, bless his heart, had the audacity to suggest that his country should be involved in discussions about its own future. How dare he? Doesn’t he know that when two world leaders are having a boys’ night, talking war and peace, actual stakeholders are not invited? Zelenskyy tried to push back, saying, “We cannot accept it, as an independent country, any agreements [made] without us.” And somewhere in Mar-a-Lago, Trump probably rolled his eyes and muttered, “Ugh, so needy.”
Meanwhile, Europe is looking at this whole situation like a bunch of parents who left their teenager home alone for the weekend and came back to find out he sold their house. German Chancellor Olaf Scholz flat-out said, “A dictated peace will therefore never find our support.” And the EU’s foreign policy chief is calling any backroom deal a “dirty deal.” But does that matter? No! Because we’re living in a world where Trump’s idea of foreign policy is basically the “Let’s Make a Deal” game show, but with nuclear consequences.
And let’s talk about Russia. Oh, Russia loves this. The Kremlin is out here celebrating like it just won the World Cup. Russian politicians are literally calling this a “historic” moment. Historic! Yeah, historic in the same way that time your little brother stole your Halloween candy and then your mom negotiated a peace deal where he got to keep half of it.
But let’s be clear: what’s happening here isn’t just some wacky political stunt. It’s actually dangerous. The whole point of the global response to Russia’s invasion has been unity. If Ukraine’s biggest allies start making side deals without them, it sends the message that sovereignty is just a suggestion. That powerful countries can decide the fate of weaker ones over cigars and brandy, and—guess what?—that’s not peace. That’s just bullying with fancier suits.
So here we are, folks. A former U.S. president and a Russian dictator are hashing out the future of a country that isn’t even in the room. The war’s still raging, people are still dying, but don’t worry—two billionaires are on it. What could possibly go wrong?
