Alright, picture this: you’re a regular guy, right? A real “man of the people” (or at least that was last week’s Twitter spin among your sycophants). You’re running for president of the United States—again, because the first time was just so much fun—and you’re in the tightest race imaginable with the current Vice President. It’s a nail-biter, right? One of those races where we’re all waiting to see which way Florida flips. But—oh, wait—did I mention that three weeks after Election Day, you’ve got a sentencing hearing? Yeah, you heard that right.
You, the guy who wants to lead the country, are going to court to be sentenced after 34 convictions for misappropriating funneled hush money to a porn star you hooked up with while your wife was home nursing your infant son. That is the caliber of guy we’re talking about here. It’s like if Maury and COPS had a baby, and that baby ran for president.
So, what do you do in this situation? You’d think the average person would be like, “Alright, I’m going to keep my head down, try to stay out of more trouble, maybe hire a good lawyer, eat a salad, figure my shit out.” But no, no, no—not this guy. Not Donald Trump. It looks like he’s doubling down. He’s not just waiting for the hammer to drop—oh no—he’s allegedly trying to make more hush money payments to the same porn star. For real! I’m not even joking here! You can’t make this stuff up!
The nerve of this guy, right?
Like, at this point, how do you not laugh? How do you not just throw your hands up and go, “Of course. Of course he’s doing this.” It’s like watching someone get caught stealing a cookie from the jar, and instead of backing away, they’re like, “Hey, while you’re watching, how about I grab a few more?”
Let me ask you this. Is there any other human being on this planet who would handle it like this? You ever see someone on trial for stealing cars just walking out of the courthouse like, “Yeah, you know what? Let’s go for a joyride—right now! Fire up the ignition, baby!”
He’s got one foot in the White House and the other foot in an orange jumpsuit. It’s like the world’s worst game of Twister.
But hold on—because we’ve gotta talk some more about the court case in New York. Like I said; He’s already convicted on these 34 counts, right? Thirty-four! This isn’t jaywalking, folks. It’s real stuff. Forty-two percent of people who get convicted for the same crimes do jail time. But we all know Trump was headed down a different path with the 58 percenters. We all figured (don’t deny it) he’d just get a fine, right? Maybe a little community service, pick up some trash on the highway, whatever. Easy peasy. Bad bing bada boom! He was pretty much set to get off scot free as he slides into a the White House like he’s Pete Rose bringing home the bacon.
All he had to do was keep his square, Minecraft character of a head down! But no. Not him. I mean, at this point, it’s like Trump’s trying to see if he can set the world record for bad decisions.
I mean I seriously just can’t get over the balls on this guy!
He’s like, “Oh, you’re mad about one hush money payment? Well, wait till you see me do it again, but better.” It’s like lighting a cigarette while standing in a puddle of gasoline. Just why? Why would you even consider it? Because at this point, it’s not about the crime; it’s about how stupid you can be while committing it.
So, here we are. Trump’s in a dead heat for the presidency, about to get sentenced for trying to pay off a porn star (and now apparently, allegedly trying to do it again) but here’s where it gets really funny. None of this new story is likely to matter other than as a side show for most of us, but get this:
The judge in his New York case, Juan Merchan? He’s watching too. And this guy is not playing around! He’s the kind of judge who’s very patient… until he’s not. And if I had to put money on it, I’d bet that come November 26, regardless of Trump’s elective status, Merchan’s gonna send Trump to prison for 4 years faster than the moving company can ask, “Hey, President Vance, where do you want us to put your favorite couch?”
Rome is burning and this guys still just roasting Marshmallows. As Rachel Maddow says, “Watch this space.”
