So, Tesla’s the deadliest car brand in America? Well, that’s not exactly the sales pitch Elon’s been putting out there, is it? “Buy a Tesla—zero emissions, 100% chance you might meet Jesus sooner!” Who knew the Model S actually stands for Sudden Stop?
According to the NHTSA, these cars have a fatal accident rate of 5.6 per billion miles traveled. Five-point-six! To put that in perspective, that’s higher than my cholesterol level after a weekend at the Cheesecake Factory. And the Tesla Model Y? It’s not a car; it’s a high-speed death trap with a sunroof. You thought it was “Y” for innovation? No, it’s “Y” as in “Why the hell did I buy this thing?”
And let’s talk about Autopilot. Apparently, it’s about as trustworthy as your ex who “forgot” to mention they were married. The NHTSA just finished a three-year investigation, and guess what? They found hundreds of accidents and more than a dozen fatalities. Hundreds! That’s not a car; it’s a demolition derby on autopilot. It’s like handing your drunk uncle the keys and saying, “Just see where the road takes us.”
But wait, it gets better—because when they call it “Full Self-Driving,” they mean “Full of Something.” The government is now investigating Tesla after multiple crashes, including one fatality. Turns out the system doesn’t handle things like sun glare, fog, or, I don’t know, reality. What’s next? A warning label: “Caution—This car may struggle with, um, driving?”
And of course, Elon Musk is out here acting like none of this is a big deal. “We’re revolutionizing transportation!” Oh yeah, Elon? If by revolutionizing you mean making it more dangerous than a gas station sushi roll, then mission accomplished! Tesla’s PR team must be working overtime. “Hey, just say the crashes were beta testing, and the deaths are…a software glitch?”
Look, I get it. We all love shiny toys. Tesla promised us a future where cars would drive themselves, and instead, they’re driving us straight into the ER. We’re out here thinking we’re in The Jetsons, but it’s more like Final Destination.
So, what’s the takeaway? If you’ve got a Tesla, maybe turn off Autopilot and keep your hands on the wheel. And if you’re thinking of buying one? Well, just make sure your life insurance is up to date. Because while Tesla might reduce your carbon footprint, it might also reduce your lifespan.
