We gave a lot of thought to who truly deserved the “Skidmark of the Week” this week. Tony Hinchcliffe’s gross Puerto Rico “joke” came close. Grant Cardone gave his best shot too, cementing his reputation as the human embodiment of a sleazy used-car salesman who somehow miraculously doesn’t live in a van down by the river. Tucker Carlson, per usual, hovered like a dark stain smeared across the soiled undies of American discourse. But in the end, none of them could hold a candle to the ultimate skidmark of the week, MAGA speechwriter, pundit, and walking comic book villain, Stephen Miller.
Yep, Miller took the ignominious title, thanks to his jaw-dropping proclamation during his rant at Madison Square Garden: “America is for Americans only.” Now, there’s so much to unpack here, but let’s start with the sheer irony. Not only does Miller’s claim throw Emma Lazarus’s poem right out the window (“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,” and all that jazz), but it practically slaps every immigrant ancestor in the face, including his own. That’s right, folks: both sets of Stephen Miller’s grandparents immigrated to the United States to escape anti-Semitic pogroms in Eastern Europe. His family—both sides of the proverbial stick that is supposedly his family tree—fled persecution to find freedom on these very shores.
But here’s Stephen, clutching his figurative pearls, saying, “No, no, that’s enough.” As if his ancestors signing on for freedom was the cut-off point for everyone else.
Let’s break down why Stephen Miller’s words are as hypocritical as a vegan at a barbecue. First off, America isn’t just a country; it’s an idea. We’re bound by ideology—not race, not religion. It’s the absurdly radical notion that “We the People” are actually above our government, and that all people—yes, even the ones who aren’t born here—have an equal shot at life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. We’re talking about the freedom of speech, freedom of the press, the freedom to worship or not worship as you damn well please. And Miller, like almost every single one of us, is here because someone down the line believed in those ideals and took a leap of faith.
Now, a quick PSA for Stephen: If your name doesn’t translate into English as “Running Deer” or “Dances with Eagles,” maybe just maybe, you’re not exactly in a position to say who qualifies as “American.” The truth is, almost every one of us is here because of someone who came seeking freedom, just like Miller’s family. And yet, here he stands, waving his hypocritical banner and acting like America is his personal treehouse, complete with a “No Immigrants Allowed” sign.
Honestly, it’s like a bouncer standing at the door of a bar, telling everyone that the “Guest List” closed after his friends got in. There’s a level of hypocrisy here that’s almost awe-inspiring. And it’s for this kind of backward, jaw-dropping absurdity that we’re handing Stephen Miller the title of Skidmark of the Week.
And in case our thoughts weren’t clear enough, we’d like to sign off with one last sentiment that we usually try to couch in more professional or at least, church lady approved terms, but we decided to use the law of DUE respect (none) and to end this piece with this (in case he ever sees it): “F*CK THE F*CK OFF, STEPHEN, you subhuman shit stain!”
