Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, gather ‘round, because it’s time for America’s favorite weekly tradition: awarding the Skidmark of the Week! And oh, do we have a winner. He’s fresh. He’s bold. He’s everything we despise about modern politics wrapped in one spineless package. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for your Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson.
Let’s give Mike a hand—or better yet, let’s give him a shower and a fresh pair of underwear, because this week, he truly left his mark. The stain isn’t just on his reputation. It’s on Congress, democracy, and honestly, anyone who’s ever used the words “ethics” and “public service” in the same sentence.
Here’s the setup: Matt Gaetz—yes, that Matt Gaetz, the guy who somehow makes Florida Man memes look classy—is back in the spotlight. He’s been nominated by Donald Trump to become Attorney General of the United States. Let that sink in. The guy who allegedly had sex with a 17-year-old girl, paid for her travel, attended drug-fueled parties, and who knows what else, has been nominated to oversee the very laws he’s been accused of violating. It’s like nominating a pyromaniac to be the fire marshal.
But wait, it gets worse. Because just before the House Ethics Committee could release their report on Gaetz—one that reportedly includes testimony confirming these allegations—he up and resigns from Congress. Smooth move, right? It’s like running out of a restaurant before the check comes… if the check was for statutory rape.
So, here’s where our Skidmark of the Week steps in. Instead of letting the Ethics Committee release their findings—findings that senators from both parties are demanding to see—Mike Johnson pulls a stunt so slimy it makes Gaetz look almost respectable. Almost. Johnson asks the Ethics Committee to suppress its report. That’s right, suppress it. Hide it. Bury it deeper than Gaetz’s dignity at a sugar daddy convention.
Now, Johnson says he’s doing this out of loyalty to his party, to protect Gaetz, to keep the Republican brand intact. But let’s be honest: the Republican brand isn’t exactly Tiffany & Co. at this point. It’s more like the clearance bin at a gas station next to the trucker hats and beef jerky. And thanks to Mike Johnson, they’re now officially adding “skidmarks” to the merchandise.
But why does this matter? I’ll tell you why. The Attorney General of the United States isn’t just some cushy gig. It’s the top law enforcement position in the country. The job is to uphold the law, to ensure no one—not even the president—is above it. And they want to give that job to Matt Gaetz? That’s like putting Jeffrey Dahmer in charge of a Golden Corral.
And Johnson’s solution to all this? Sweep it under the rug. Pretend it didn’t happen. Suppress the report. Because apparently, in Mike Johnson’s America, the laws don’t apply to the rich, the powerful, or the ethically compromised. And if the laws don’t apply to the Attorney General, then guess what? They don’t apply to us, either. So buckle up, America. It’s open season on rules, taxes, and parking meters. If it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for us.
But here’s the kicker: Mike Johnson didn’t just protect Matt Gaetz. Oh no. He protected Matt Gaetz at the expense of every single American who still believes in accountability. Johnson’s actions send a clear message: we don’t work for you. We work for us. And if that makes you angry, too bad. Go yell into a void or scream into a pillow, because as far as Johnson is concerned, the rest of us are just collateral damage in his endless quest to kiss the MAGA ring.
So here’s to you, Mike Johnson. You’ve achieved something truly remarkable: you’ve become so spineless, so shameless, so utterly divorced from the concept of public service that you’ve managed to earn the title of Skidmark of the Week. And not just any skidmark—the kind that ruins the laundry and makes you seriously rethink what you ate last night.
But don’t worry, Mike. It’s not all bad news. Sure, history will remember you as the guy who flushed democracy down the toilet to save Matt Gaetz’s career, but hey, at least you’ll have this award. And maybe one day, when the Ethics Committee finally releases that report, you can hang it on your wall right next to your participation trophy for “Most Spineless Politician.”
