Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. A man who has gone above and beyond in the fine art of surrender. A man who has spent decades in politics but just now managed to earn himself the Skidmark of the Week award. Give it up for Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer!
This week, Schumer pulled off an absolute masterclass in political submission. You know when your dog knows it’s about to get yelled at, so it just rolls over and exposes its belly before you even say a word? That was Schumer. Before Republicans even got the leash out, he was already on his back, paws in the air, begging for a tummy rub.
He “reluctantly” supported a Republican-written spending bill, claiming that not doing so would be a gift to Trump. A gift. Like Trump needs a gift. You know what would actually be a gift to Trump? A Democratic leader who’s too scared to stand up to him. And guess what? That’s exactly what we got.
His excuse? “If we don’t pass this, Trump and Elon Musk will gut the government.” And you know what? He’s probably right. But the problem isn’t the bill. The problem is that every time Republicans say “Jump,” Schumer’s already in the air asking, “How high? Should I pay for the trampoline too?”
Meanwhile, Democrats in the House reacted like someone just told them their favorite brunch spot got turned into a Spirit Halloween. Complete meltdown. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez—who, by the way, is one bad poll away from primarying this guy in 2028—called the bill a “slush fund for Trump and Elon Musk.” Which, if you ask me, is an insult to slush funds. Because at least a slush fund is fun. This is just the government equivalent of handing your lunch money to the school bully before he even asks.
But wait, it gets better. You know what Democrats did just last week when Trump gave his congressional address? They protested in the most powerful way possible: with total silence. That’s right. A bunch of them sat there, arms crossed, faces stone cold, doing absolutely nothing. Just like Schumer, but, you know, on purpose.
And then, not even a week later, Schumer comes out swinging—at his own party. House Democrats were so mad that at a recent retreat, members were literally pulling out their checkbooks for AOC’s Senate campaign. Because nothing says “We need change” like wealthy donors cutting six-figure checks at a luxury resort.
But the real kicker? The public hates this. Protesters literally showed up outside Schumer’s home in Brooklyn, furious that he rolled over faster than a Roomba hitting a wall. His voters wanted a fighter, and instead, they got a guy who sees a bully and hands over his wallet, car keys, and—just in case—his Netflix password too.
And so, congratulations, Chuck. You have officially earned this week’s Skidmark of the Week award. A prestigious honor reserved for those who completely soil themselves in public. Wear it proudly, buddy. It’s the one thing you didn’t surrender to the GOP this week.
