So, it’s almost election time, and if you’re an American citizen, you know what that means. It’s time to pretend you actually care about democracy for once. That’s right, it’s time to vote. Or, for most of you, to not vote and then complain about the results like you’re shocked when your terrible decisions come back to bite you in the ass.
But for those of you who are planning to actually participate in the one thing that makes us pretend we’re not living in a collapsing empire, let me help you out. Here’s what you need to do to get ready to vote in the general election. Because God knows you can’t be trusted to figure this out on your own.
Step 1: Register to Vote
Step one—register. Because the last thing we want is you showing up on Election Day, ready to cast your ballot, only to be told that the country already deleted you from existence. “What do you mean I’m not registered?” Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you last voted in 2008 and thought that was enough to sustain democracy for 16 years.
Register online. It’s easy. If you can sign up for PornHub Premium, you can sign up to vote.
Step 2: Know When to Vote
Election Day is November 5th. Mark your calendar. Wait, scratch that. You’re not gonna mark a calendar. You don’t even know where your calendar is, do you? You thought you were being all organized at the start of the year, but now it’s October, and your calendar is still on February. Here’s an idea: set a reminder on your phone. That way, at least when you forget to vote, you’ll feel guilty about it for five seconds before moving on with your life.
Or better yet, just vote early. That way, you can spend Election Day like the true American hero you are: binge-watching garbage television and posting your “I Voted” sticker on Instagram to prove you’re better than everyone else.
Step 3: Mail-In Ballots: Because Who Has Time for Lines?
Can’t make it to a polling place? Of course, you can’t. You’re too busy. Busy doing what, exactly? I don’t know. Watching reruns of Friends? Crying in the shower? Doesn’t matter. You’re an adult, and you don’t have time for lines. Get a mail-in ballot. It’s perfect for you—minimal effort, maximum virtue signaling. Just make sure you actually mail it. If it’s still on your kitchen counter next to that half-eaten pizza from last week, guess what? Your vote doesn’t count. But hey, at least the pizza’s still good.
Step 4: Bring Your ID
Some places require you to bring ID to vote. This is America, after all, and nothing says “freedom” like needing to show a card to prove that you exist. So, bring your ID. Just don’t look at the photo for too long—it’s a reminder that even though the country is falling apart, your appearance is falling apart faster.
Step 5: Research the Candidates
Ah yes, the hardest part. Researching the candidates. I get it. It’s exhausting. But do it anyway. The last thing we need is you showing up to vote and picking the guy who believes the moon landing was faked. Or the one who thinks lizard people run the government. Or worse—*not knowing which one is which*.
Find out who’s running, what they stand for, and decide whether you want to vote for the candidate who’s slightly less evil than the other. That’s the real American dream: choosing between two people you don’t like and pretending one of them is your savior.
Step 6: Vote and Feel That Empty Sense of Accomplishment
So now, after all that effort—registering, researching, remembering the date—you get to vote. Congrats! You did it. You cast your ballot. You’ve contributed to the democratic process. And what do you get for all your trouble? A sticker. A goddamn sticker. But that’s all you need, right? Something shiny to show off on social media. “Look at me! I voted! I care!”
And the best part? After the election, no matter who wins, you get to spend the next four years complaining about the outcome like it wasn’t exactly what you expected. Because, deep down, you know it doesn’t matter who wins. We’re all screwed anyway.
Now, go vote. Or don’t. It’s not like we’re living in a functioning democracy anymore.
