So get this—Trump, in all his wisdom, decides to deport a bunch of Venezuelan gang members. And not just any gang members—Tren de Aragua. Sounds like a fancy espresso drink, right? But no, these guys are legit terrifying. Bad dudes. But here’s the kicker—he didn’t just, you know, use normal immigration laws. Nope! My man dusted off the Alien Enemies Act from 1798.
1798! Do you understand how long ago that was? That’s before the White House even had running water. That’s beforepeople figured out how to brush their teeth without wood splinters. And this law, which was part of the Alien and Sedition Acts—which, by the way, was basically the Patriot Act for guys who wore wigs—was originally designed for actual wartime enemies. Like, “Hey, we’re fighting the British, maybe we don’t let a bunch of Redcoats hang out in Boston.”
But no, Trump’s like, “Let’s use this thing for street gangs from Venezuela.” I mean, sure, the gang is dangerous, but last I checked, we’re not at war with Venezuela. We’re at war with common sense, maybe, but not Venezuela.
And so civil rights groups start freaking out—because, you know, they can read. And they go, “Hey, this law is about deporting hostile NATIONS, not just some random dudes who got caught with a switchblade at a McDonald’s.”
And then, boom, a judge steps in—because, apparently, we still have those—and says, “Yeah, no, you can’t just start using ancient laws like a drunk guy flipping through an old cookbook.” He halts the deportations. But guess what? The Trump admin already did it. Already shipped hundreds of these guys out before the judge’s order even hit the printer.
So now, El Salvador’s like, “Wait, what? We gotta deal with these guys? Oh hell no.” And their president, Nayib Bukele, basically does the international equivalent of sighing really loudly. “Ugh, fine, we’ll lock ‘em up, but you better pay us.”Because, you know, even dictators understand the value of an invoice.
And the White House? Their response is basically, “Well technically, we sent them back before the judge said stop, so it doesn’t count.” Like a kid shoving all his toys under the bed before Mom walks in and says, “Clean your room.”
I mean, look, do I think deporting violent gang members is a bad thing? No. Do I think it’s maybe not the best idea to start resurrecting laws from the era of powdered wigs just so you can do it? Uh, yeah! What’s next? Bringing back duels? You get caught jaywalking and suddenly the cop’s slapping you across the face with a leather glove?
This whole thing is insane. And now, we’ve got a giant legal mess, because, shocker, when you start using 18th-century laws like it’s Colonial Williamsburg, people get mad. And the worst part? You just know Trump is loving this. He’s probably sitting there, flipping through a Thomas Jefferson biography, like “What other old-timey laws can I use? Can I bring back debtor’s prison? Put my enemies in stocks in the town square?”
And while the courts battle this out, the rest of us are just sitting here like, “Can we please just use the laws from this century? Just once? Please?”
