Alright, folks, buckle up—because the Supreme Court is about to take a giant dump on the part of your health care that actually works.
You know that sweet little thing in the Affordable Care Act that says your insurance has to cover stuff like cancer screenings, STD tests, and checkups for free? No co-pay. No “Sorry, that mole looks pricey.” Yeah, that part. It’s on the chopping block. Because apparently, health care with common sense is just too much for America to handle.
Here’s what’s going down: on Monday, April 21, the Supreme Court is hearing Kennedy v. Braidwood Management. Sounds like a boring legal case, right? Spoiler alert: it’s not. It’s the kind of case that makes you want to scream into your expired insurance card.
So who’s behind this crap? A Christian-owned business called Braidwood Management. They’re mad—like clutch your pearls mad—because the government says they have to offer HIV prevention meds (PrEP), and that apparently violates their religious beliefs. Yes, God forbid you protect your employees from deadly diseases—can’t have that in the name of Jesus, am I right?
But it gets dumber. They’re also arguing that the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force—the group that decides what preventive care gets covered—is unconstitutional. Why? Because its members weren’t confirmed by the Senate. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize every colonoscopy needed Mitch McConnell’s personal blessing.
A judge in Texas actually agreed with them, because of course he did, and then the Fifth Circuit was like, “Okay, but only for the people whining about it.” So now it’s at the Supreme Court, where apparently the fate of your next mammogram rests on whether six justices can find their own asses with both hands.
And what happens if they side with these loons? Boom—insurance companies could stop covering anything the Task Force recommended after 2010. That includes screenings for lung cancer, heart disease, and pretty much everything that keeps your doctor from saying “You should’ve come in sooner.”
Here’s the kicker: experts say these preventive services save over 100,000 lives a year. One hundred thousand! That’s like if Taylor Swift fans stopped showing up and we were like, “Enh, no biggie.” It’s bonkers.
But hey, why save lives when you can protect someone’s delicate right to be offended by HIV meds?
So here we are. In 2025. Arguing over whether basic checkups are too woke. Forget the war on Christmas, folks—we’re in a full-blown war on cholesterol tests.
And the Supreme Court’s got the scalpel.
