So, picture this: You’re in a marriage that feels less like a partnership and more like one long, never-ending season of Survivor. Maybe he’s the kind of guy who treats every conversation like it’s his big moment on the debate team, or maybe he’s just… emotionally out to lunch. Whatever the case, you’re ready to pack your bags and exit stage left. But here’s the twist: in 2024, Donald Trump is elected president again. Come January, just because of course America is that stupid, Trump has both houses of Congress on his side, an army of politically empowered sycophants and a conservative Supreme Court, so basically, the powers of a king—or if you prefer, ruthless toddleresque dictator who might at any point outlaw ice cream or turn on a television to see someone like commentator Steven Crowder ranting about how easy it was for his wife to leave him and run away from their (theoretically) dystopian marriage. Got the scene set in your head? Cool. Let’s move on.
In this imaginary universe we have just created, because everything Donny wants, Donny gets or else there is hell to pay, the lawmakers who are supposed to be the co-guardians of our once proud republic are clamoring all over themselves in an effort to dine on table scraps from their king’s table, so as such they are dead-set on turning marriage into a kind of marital escape room—with no exits. You can check out anytime you like, but, honey, you can never leave.
And that brings us to the would be savior in our horror story: no-fault divorce. Back in 1969, California decided to get progressive and gave people an option to say, “Look, we’re done here. No big drama. No cheating scandals. We just… don’t work.” Simple, right? You go your way, I go mine.
Now, here’s the problem. in Trump’s America, where Congress is all ears to whispers from conservative commentators, no-fault divorce might actually truly find itself on the chopping block. Because here, today’s talk show topic is tomorrow’s congressional legislative agenda. and one particular talk show commentator with the ear of the incoming Trump regime is red hot butt hurt over his recent divorce—the guy we just talked about—you guessed it, Stephen Crowder.
Stephen is one of the loudest voices on the talk show circuit and like the fictional version of him in our set up, the all too real version of him has got some strong feelings about his recent divorce. Like, lots of feelings. He’s out here saying, “No-fault divorce has made it too easy for people—especially women—to leave.” It’s as if he wants every marriage to be a steel cage match, where the only way out is to tap out with photographic evidence and a sworn affidavit. Because, you know, if Steven’s unhappy, he’s on a mission to make sure the rest of us are, too. Nothing says “healthy relationship advice” like, “I’m bitter, and so should you be!”
Meanwhile, people like Susan Guthrie, a divorce attorney, are starting to hear a lot of “well-meaning” chatter from conservatives who want to get rid of no-fault divorce altogether. She’s seeing more clients—especially women—walking into her office feeling like they’re in some kind of dystopian dress rehearsal. When your lawyer has to sit you down and explain, “Look, it might not be enough to just want out; you might need to start keeping a journal, maybe install a few hidden cameras…” Well, welcome to 2024, where Trump’s America is turning the idea of freedom into a bit of a farce.
And let’s sprinkle in some fun statistics, shall we? When no-fault divorce laws went into effect, domestic violence dropped by 30%. Women’s suicide rates dropped by 20%. These numbers aren’t just statistics; they’re literally life or death for some people. No-fault divorce has been a lifeline for people trapped in toxic, dangerous marriages. But apparently, these anti-no-fault folks are looking at those numbers and going, “Yeah, but is it traditional enough?”
Here’s the kicker: this isn’t about “saving marriages”; it’s about trapping people in them. And the spin doctors are out here rebranding it as “family values.” Which sounds cozy until you realize their idea of family values includes “Please present your evidence before exiting.” So in Trump’s America—yes, he’s gonna be president again, with a full Republican Congress and a Supreme Court ready to back him up—we’re facing a future where “marriage” might come with more red tape than a government building. If you want out, you’ll need proof, a paper trail, maybe a PowerPoint presentation for the judge.
So here we are: commentators and politicians, some still carrying the baggage from their own failed marriages, pushing to make it harder for everyone else to leave one. They’re calling it a return to tradition, but what they’re really saying is that marriage should be a little less “’til death do us part” and a little more “Until you show me some receipts.”
So if that’s the tradition they want, maybe it’s time we start a new one. One that stands for freedom, dignity, and the basic human right to change your mind without needing to call a press conference.
Stay vigilant ladies – or we may all end up having to be vigilantes!
