Ah, yes. Nothing says “trustworthy law enforcement” like putting a guy who spent years undermining the FBI in charge of it. Kash Patel—the man, the myth, the conspiracy theorist—has just been confirmed as FBI Director. Ten years. Ten. Whole. Years. What could possibly go wrong?
Oh, right—everything.
Let’s start with the obvious: Patel is not just a Trump guy. He’s a Trump Guy™. He’s like if you took all the worst instincts of the former president, distilled them into a single human being, and then handed him the keys to the most powerful investigative agency in the country. This is the same guy who helped push the infamous Nunes memo—a document designed to make the FBI look bad while Trump was under investigation. And now he runs the FBI? That’s like making a bank robber the head of the Federal Reserve.
But wait, there’s more! Patel has spent years pushing the idea that a “deep state” is out to get him and his friends. That’s right—according to him, the problem with government isn’t corruption, or incompetence, or Ted Cruz’s beard—no, no, no. It’s a shadowy cabal of bureaucrats secretly controlling everything. Which is funny because now he’s one of the bureaucrats secretly controlling everything!
And did I mention the money? Turns out, our new FBI director has some very interesting financial ties. For instance, he holds investments in Elite Depot, which owns Shein—the fast-fashion company with alleged ties to forced labor in China. Ah, yes, the perfect guy to lead an agency that investigates foreign influence and human rights abuses. It’s like appointing a vegetarian to run a steakhouse. Nothing to see here, folks!
And just to sprinkle a little extra nightmare fuel on top, Patel has openly talked about going after Trump’s political enemies. You know, the kind of thing that happens in totally normal countries, like Russia! Because when you get put in charge of a law enforcement agency, the first thing you should do is publicly announce your hit list. That’s how it works, right? “To protect and serve… revenge.”
So what does this mean for the next decade? Well, for starters, if you ever say anything negative about Trump on the internet, you might find yourself under very thorough investigation. Step out of line, and suddenly your Amazon purchases and Spotify playlists will be labeled “suspicious activity.”
Bottom line: This isn’t just bad—it’s historically bad. Like “Watergate with a Twitter account” bad. Like “J. Edgar Hoover in a MAGA hat” bad. And yet, here we are. The people in charge made their choice, and now we get to spend ten years living in the sequel to a movie nobody wanted to see.
But hey, look on the bright side—at least we finally have definitive proof that the deep state doesn’t exist. Because if it did, there’s no way in hell Kash Patel would have this job.
