Y’all, hold on to your wigs because Elon Musk just took creepy to a whole new orbit. The man tweeted at Taylor Swift—yes, Taylor freaking Swift—“Fine Taylor … you win … I will give you a child and guard your cats with my life.”
Fine Taylor … you win … I will give you a child and guard your cats with my life
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) September 11, 2024
Uh, excuse me? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Let me tell you something. Taylor’s out here minding her own business, blessing us with heartbreak anthems, and turning the music industry into her personal lemonade stand. And Elon? He’s out here acting like she ordered a side of “billionaire baby daddy” with her Number 1 hit. Elon, sweetie, ain’t nobody asked for this! Taylor Swift is not walking around like, “You know what’s missing from my life? A creepy dude offering up kids and cat-sitting services.”
First of all, Elon, you got like 27 kids already, and you’re out here throwing around fatherhood offers like they’re Black Friday deals at Walmart? Bro, we didn’t even get to Thanksgiving! What makes you think Taylor needs you to guard her cats? The woman sells out stadiums, runs a musical empire, and probably has a whole security squad ready to protect Olivia Benson and Meredith better than the Secret Service.
And let’s be real—offering to give someone a child as casually as you’re handing out Teslas? Sir, this is not Build-a-Baby. No one is out here collecting “future little Musks” like Pokémon. Taylor Swift can have whoever she wants, but what makes you think she’s out here saying, “You know what would make me happy? A creepy-ass baby proposal from Elon Musk.”
But let’s get to the real head-scratcher here: “I will guard your cats with my life.” ELON. SIR. This ain’t a side quest in a video game. You think Taylor’s holding an audition for “Cat Bodyguard: Billionaire Edition”? She’s running stadiums, you’re running Twitter/X/whatever—it’s not like you’re gonna moonlight as a cat-sitter. Can you imagine Elon Musk chasing after a cat toy, trying to be Mr. Whiskers’ protector? Taylor would be watching you trip over a laser pointer, and, baby, that’s just another verse on her next album.
Speaking of albums, Elon—you do not want to end up in a Taylor Swift song. Have you seen what she does to men who play themselves? Boy, you’re gonna be a whole track, a bridge, and the deluxe edition. You thought rockets explode fast? Wait ‘til Taylor drops that track titled, “Out of Space, Out of Line (Elon’s Got Me F***ed Up).” You’ll be trending on X again, but this time for getting dragged by the entire Swiftie nation.
Honestly, I don’t know if Elon thinks he’s being smooth or if his SpaceX helmet’s just on too tight, but this ain’t it. We’re out here trying to enjoy Taylor Swift’s tour updates, and suddenly Elon’s in our feed offering up babies and cat protection services like he’s auditioning for The Bachelor: Mars Edition.
Elon, let me help you out: focus on getting your rockets to fly straight, getting your Teslas to stop crashing, and getting your damn head out of the clouds. Because Taylor Swift doesn’t need a billionaire babysitter, and she damn sure doesn’t need you offering up kids like you’re handing out Christmas bonuses.
In conclusion, Elon, take your awkward energy back to the SpaceX lab where it belongs. Nobody’s asking for this. And Taylor? Keep doing you, sis. We’ve got your back. The only thing we need to protect you from right now is dudes like Elon sliding into your DMs like it’s Craigslist.
PS: The only thing we want to see Musk guarding is his damn mouth—not Taylor’s cats. and he should keep Taylor Swift’s name up out it. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
