Alright, let’s get something straight. Congress is at it AGAIN. I swear, they must be bored, because they’ve turned “throwing tantrums” into an Olympic event, and right now, they’ve set their sights on Secretary of State Antony Blinken. Yes, A. Blinken. Say it out loud, folks, because the irony here is so thick it could stop traffic. We’ve got A. Blinken back in Washington, and what’s Congress doing? Screaming like a toddler who just got told “no” at the candy aisle, demanding Blinken come in and testify like he’s got nothing better to do than cater to their never-ending ego trip.
And why? Oh, because they’ve been feeling all high and mighty ever since they managed to drag Steve Bannon and Mark Meadows into hearings. Yeah, let’s talk about those guys for a second. The Laurel and Hardy of executive privilege. They want you to believe Bannon and Meadows were, like, these big legal victories. Wow, congrats! You brought in the political equivalent of wet cardboard and a used car salesman. Wanna know why? Because their guy is no longer in the White House! You remember that guy, right? Trump? He’s off doing God-knows-what down in Mar-a-Lago, probably trying to convince a palm tree to run for Senate, and Bannon and Meadows? Their executive privilege went out the window the moment Trump’s U-Haul pulled away from the White House. These two have as much legal protection as a tuna fish sandwich.
But Blinken? Oh no, my friends, Blinken is a whole different beast. He’s sitting pretty because Joe Biden is STILL in office. That’s right, Biden’s still kicking, probably halfway through a crossword puzzle right now, and that means Blinken’s covered by executive privilege. Do you know what that is, Congress? It’s like an unbreakable shield, like Captain America’s but legal. It means you can wave your subpoenas around like a bunch of drunk frat boys with parking tickets, but guess what? They’re not sticking. Blinken doesn’t have to show up! Not today, not tomorrow, not next week. You’re more likely to get a letter from Santa than you are to see Blinken in a hearing room before January 20th.
And let’s just marinate in the irony for a minute here. The same people who’ve spent the last few years screeching about “government overreach” and “tyranny” now have the audacity to get all huffy because they can’t drag Blinken into their little sideshow. Newsflash: the executive branch doesn’t work for you! I know, it’s shocking! It’s almost like there are these things called “co-equal branches of government.” You know, co-equal? Like when you’re fighting with your sibling and your mom says, “I don’t care who started it, you’re BOTH grounded.” Congress can puff their chests all they want, but the reality is that Blinken doesn’t have to give them the time of day. He could ignore them while sipping iced tea on the beach, and guess what? There’s nothing they can do about it.
Now, Congress, I get it. You’ve had some fun with subpoenas lately. You’re feeling good about yourselves. You bagged Bannon! Meadows! You’re on a roll, right? You’re like that guy who wins $5 on a scratch-off and thinks he’s headed to Vegas to “cash in big.” But let’s be real here: Bannon and Meadows were the low-hanging fruit. Blinken is a whole other ballgame. His guy’s still in the Oval Office, and until that changes, your subpoenas are about as useful as trying to teach a dog calculus.
And here’s the best part: You don’t have time, Congress! I’m not saying this happens in a couple of years; you’ve got 113 days. 113 days until Joe Biden gets on his last Amtrak ride and waves goodbye like the Constitution’s grandpa. Until then, Blinken has 113 days to do, well, literally anything else besides show up at your little hearings. He could take up knitting. He could train for a marathon. He could start a damn TikTok account where he does nothing but reenact historic diplomatic negotiations using sock puppets. The point is, Congress, you’re gonna have to wait. Blinken’s covered by executive privilege, and you’re not getting him before January 20th.
And speaking of hypocrisy, let’s talk about how Congress loves to scream about “separation of powers” when it suits them, but now they’re acting like Blinken is their personal assistant. “Oh, sorry, Mr. Secretary, could you come in on Friday? Yeah, we just need to scream at you for three hours and pretend we’re solving anything.” Seriously? The same people who claim to love the Constitution are acting like they can pull the president’s cabinet members in for a coffee date whenever they feel like it.
Well, newsflash: YOU CAN’T. The executive branch doesn’t answer to you like a waiter who screwed up your order. There’s this thing called executive privilege that protects people like Blinken because, and I don’t know how else to explain this, he’s working for a sitting president. You want him to testify? Great! Here’s an idea: WAIT. Biden’s out in 113 days. So why don’t you put down your subpoenas, go for a walk, maybe try reading the Constitution again—the WHOLE thing this time—and when January 21st rolls around, give Blinken a call. Who knows, maybe he’ll pencil you in between diplomatic crises.
Until then, Congress? You’ve got 113 days of waiting. So grab a shovel, head to the nearest beach, and start pounding sand, because that’s the closest you’re gonna get to Blinken until Inauguration Day, when (if there is a god in heaven), President Kamala Harris will take her oath of office. That should be sure to set them off! Tirdwatter out!
