Oh, you thought your money was safe? You thought someone in Washington had your back when the credit card companies start treating your life savings like a piñata at a billionaire’s birthday party? Well, think again, because as of today, the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau—the only government agency dedicated to keeping banks from robbing you with a straight face—has been ordered to shut down. That’s right. Gone. Pfft. It’s like firing the lifeguard at the shark-infested beach and saying, “Good luck, idiots!”
Let’s back up. The CFPB was created after the 2008 financial crisis—you know, that little moment when Wall Street turned the economy into a flaming dumpster and then asked for a bailout. Congress looked at the mess, looked at millions of Americans getting kicked out of their homes, and said, “Maybe we should have someone watching these guys.” And thus, the CFPB was born. Since then, they’ve been slapping banks on the wrist and getting regular people back about $20 billion in refunds and debt relief. That’s billion with a B. But apparently, that’s just too much consumer protection for the folks in charge now.
Enter Russell Vought, the new head of the Office of Management and Budget. This guy took one look at the CFPB and basically said, “Yeah, let’s get rid of that before it stops my banker friends from stealing even more money.” On February 9, he dropped a memo that shut the whole thing down—no new investigations, no enforcing rules, no more meddling in the affairs of those poor, defenseless multi-trillion-dollar banks. Oh, and as a nice little touch, they even locked the doors of the CFPB’s headquarters in D.C. next week. You know, to make sure no pesky employees try to do their jobs.
Now, if you’re wondering who benefits from this, congratulations! You are not the target audience for this scam. This is a gift-wrapped present to Wall Street, payday lenders, and every shady financial company that gets off on charging you $50 because you accidentally sneezed on your checking account. Senator Elizabeth Warren—who, fun fact, actually designed the CFPB before Republicans told her she wasn’t allowed to run it—called out Vought, saying he’s just giving banks the green light to scam families. And, yeah, she’s right. If you think otherwise, I’ve got a great investment opportunity for you involving an NFT of my middle finger.
And let’s be clear: This isn’t just about the CFPB. This is part of a much bigger trend. The people running the government right now want to make it really easy for big corporations to do whatever the hell they want. Clean air? Overrated. Food safety? Eh. Worker protections? Who needs ‘em? And now, financial regulations? Nah, just let the banks sort it out. Because they did such a great job in 2008, right?
So, what happens now? Well, the long answer is: we’re all about to get screwed. The short answer is: next time your bank hits you with a mysterious $35 fee, just know that the people who were supposed to stop that nonsense are at home, probably rage-drinking. And the government? They’re too busy celebrating with champagne paid for by overdraft fees.
Welcome to the new America, folks. Hope you like getting robbed with a smile.
