So, uh… we all knew this presidency was gonna be weird, right? But annexing Canada? Turning Gaza into a luxury beach resort? This isn’t just weird. This is like when your drunk uncle starts a fight with a stop sign because it “looked at him funny.”
Let’s Talk Canada
Apparently, Trump thinks Canada is losing us $200 billion a year and that the best way to fix it is… a hostile corporate takeover? Because nothing says financial responsibility like absorbing an entire country that has, you know, universal healthcare. That alone is gonna bankrupt us in five minutes.
And what’s the plan here? Do we just roll into Toronto like, “Congrats, you’re American now! Hope you like gun violence and expensive insulin!” I mean, we can’t even get Texas to follow federal law, and now we want to add Quebec? Quebec doesn’t even want to be part of Canada half the time. You think they’re just gonna start waving little American flags like, “Oh oui, we love the eagle!”
And of course, Justin Trudeau, bless his polite Canadian soul, is out here trying to tell people this is real. He got caught on a hot mic saying, “Yeah, Trump actually wants to annex us.” Which, by the way, is probably the first time the phrase “hot mic” and “Justin Trudeau” didn’t end with women worldwide needing a minute alone.
Meanwhile, Canadians are losing their minds in the most Canadian way possible—by making patriotic hats. Not storming buildings. Not chanting. No—hats. That say “Canada is not for sale.” Which is adorable. But also, that’s not how you stop an invasion. Imagine Churchill in 1940 being like, “We shall fight them on the beaches, but also… we made T-shirts!”
The Gaza Strip… or Should We Say the ‘Gaza Strip Mall’?
But wait! It gets worse! Because while he’s trying to flip Canada like a foreclosed casino, he’s also out here pitching a total rebrand of the Gaza Strip.
Yes, folks, in a move that makes “Manifest Destiny” look like an Airbnb listing, Trump wants to relocate millions of Palestinians so he can turn Gaza into the “Riviera of the Middle East.” Because when you think Middle East conflict, the logical next step is tiki bars and jet ski rentals.
And who exactly is gonna vacation in a war zone? I mean, no offense, but I don’t book Airbnbs in places where the reviews say, “Great views, would visit again! Just watch out for the occasional airstrike.”
Oh, and the relocation part? That’s been wildly unpopular with, you know, the rest of the planet. Neighboring countries have already said hell no to taking in millions of displaced Palestinians. Because—shocker—people generally don’t like it when a world leader says, “What if we just moved an entire population? Like, put them somewhere else? I dunno, Nebraska?”
History, but Make It Stupid
This whole thing is just America’s imperial phase, but instead of Teddy Roosevelt charging up San Juan Hill, we’ve got a guy in a red hat yelling “You’re fired!” at Canada.
Look, we used to do this kind of thing. We did take Texas. We did buy Alaska. But that was before we had social media. Imagine if Andrew Jackson had to answer for the Trail of Tears on TikTok. You think that dude’s surviving a #CancelJackson campaign?
And let’s not forget the international community. Everyone is looking at us like, “You guys still have crumbling infrastructure and half your population can’t afford insulin, but sure, go collect some new territories like it’s Monopoly.”
What Now?
So here we are. A president with a shopping list instead of a foreign policy. A world trying to figure out how serious to take this. And a Canada that suddenly has to defend itself, which… let’s be honest, they weren’t exactly prepared for. Their army’s probably just a bunch of Mounties in a group chat like, “Do we even have tanks?”
But hey, if you were worried that politics had gotten too boring, don’t be. We’ve officially entered the “Hostile Takeover and Forced Evictions” chapter of the Trump sequel. What’s next? Hawaii gets sold to Elon Musk? Puerto Rico finally gets statehood, but only if it agrees to be renamed “Trumplandia”?
I’d say we should just wait and see. But at this point, I’m afraid if we wait too long, we’re gonna wake up and find out he’s annexed the Moon.
