Ladies and gentlemen, gather round, because we’ve got a tale of international intrigue so absurd it makes a Bond villain look like a chap selling dodgy watches in a car park. Picture this: on one side, you’ve got Kim Jong Un, supreme leader of North Korea, a man who has mastered the art of the double-breasted blazer and a haircut that doubles as a blunt instrument. On the other, Vladimir Putin, a man who gazes into the abyss and probably sees his own reflection. Together, they’ve decided to link arms and declare, “We’re the good guys!” Delightful, isn’t it?
Now, Kim Jong Un—let’s call him Supreme Beard-Stroker—has stepped onto the world stage and announced, with all the gravitas of a toddler justifying crayons on the wall, that Russia has every right to “defend itself” from Ukraine. Never mind that Russia started this whole mess by waltzing into Ukraine like it was an uninvited guest at a house party. No, no—Kim’s logic is that if your neighbor punches you back after you break their windows, it’s clearly your right to defend yourself. A flawless argument, if you’ve recently been hit on the head with a hammer.
Of course, Russia is absolutely lapping this up. For months now, the Kremlin has been trying to sell us the idea that Ukraine is the real villain because, wait for it, the United States gave them missiles. Yes, how dare the U.S. arm a sovereign nation to defend itself! It’s like blaming the fire department for bringing a hose to your arson.
But it gets better. This North Korea-Russia bromance isn’t just about words of support; oh no, they’re exchanging gifts. North Korea is sending artillery shells to Russia, which is sweet, really—like a twisted version of Secret Santa where everyone’s a Grinch. In return, Russia is reportedly helping North Korea with all sorts of goodies, like economic aid and maybe a few missile blueprints. You know, just a little something to say, “Thanks for enabling our bad behavior.”
Now, what’s brilliant—and by brilliant, I mean utterly deranged—is that these two regimes, both of whom treat international law as more of a suggestion than a rule, are finding common cause in sticking it to the West. Russia, struggling under sanctions and battlefield losses, gets a lifeline. North Korea, perpetually skint and living on a diet of isolation and paranoia, gets tech and toys for its arsenal. It’s a win-win if your idea of winning involves a lot of explosions and human misery.
Meanwhile, the rest of us are sitting here watching this pantomime play out, thinking, “Really? This is the villainous axis we’re up against? A guy who can’t stop shirtless horse-riding and another whose only friend is Dennis Rodman?” It would be funny if it weren’t so horrifying.
So there you have it: a partnership made in authoritarian heaven, a duo united by their love of unchecked power and an absolute disdain for facts. Let’s just hope the rest of the world remembers that the original villain in this story wasn’t Ukraine, wasn’t the U.S., wasn’t NATO—it was Russia, the one that gatecrashed the party and smashed the place up in the first place. And now, with North Korea playing cheerleader, the absurdity only grows.
