Alright, let’s get into it—because, apparently, the world has a real thing for politicians and their couches. Just when we were trying to wrap our heads around the completely made-up rumor about JD Vance getting a little too cozy with his own living room furniture, South Africa throws us a curveball—this time, completely true.
So here we are, heading to South Africa to talk about a couch that’s way more infamous than your typical IKEA nightmare. This isn’t about lost remotes, people. No, this particular couch was stuffed with $580,000. That’s right—cash cushions. South Africa, what is going on?
Let’s set the scene: Phala Phala, President Cyril Ramaphosa’s game farm in the middle of Limpopo. A place where wild animals roam free and—get this—so do huge wads of U.S. dollars. Enter Ramaphosa, the buffalo salesman extraordinaire. Now, apparently, in his downtime, he’s selling buffalo to some mysterious Sudanese businessmen. Totally normal, right? Happens all the time. But instead of heading to a bank like a normal human, Ramaphosa stashes the cash in his sofa. Because clearly, nothing says “legitimate business” like using your couch as a safe.
Now, fast forward to 2020, and wouldn’t you know it—someone snatches that $580,000 right out of the sofa. And here’s where the plot thickens—Ramaphosa’s like, “Oh, don’t worry! That money? It’s just from a perfectly normal buffalo sale.” Because, of course, we all keep our business proceeds tucked away in the furniture. But, to back him up, the Sudanese buyer steps in and says, “Yup, that was me. I bought those buffalo.” Cool, but why wasn’t the cash in a bank? Maybe they were just really into 18th-century money management techniques—minus the vaults.
And then, as if things couldn’t get weirder, 2022 rolls around and Arthur Fraser, the former head of South Africa’s intelligence, comes in hot. He’s basically like, “Guess what? Ramaphosa didn’t just lose the money—he covered it up. There was a whole kidnapping operation, bribes, covert missions—you name it. It’s like ‘James Bond’ but with more upholstery.”
So here we go—South Africa’s very own “Couchgate” kicks off. And, of course, it happens right before a crucial ANC leadership vote. Because, you know, why not add a little more drama to the mix? But, like a soap opera star who always comes back from the dead, Ramaphosa weathers the storm, grinning like he just found his car keys in the couch cushions.
Fast forward to 2024, and after what I assume was a thorough investigation involving about 150 people—most of whom probably had to inspect furniture trends in the 2020s—South African prosecutors go, “Yeah, we’ve got nothing.” That’s right—the evidence was about as solid as those couch cushions. So, no charges for Ramaphosa.
But here’s the kicker: this whole thing isn’t over. The opposition parties—the DA and the EFF—are not letting this one go. They’re like, “You can’t just stuff cash in a couch and get away with it!” Which, fair point. So, they’re calling for a review, while we all sit back and enjoy the show.
And poor JD Vance? Well, he’s still stuck in his own living room-inspired fictional tale, wondering why we ever thought he was into furniture in the first place. Spoiler Alert, JD: It’s because you’re weird: sofa king weird!
