If you thought self-help author turned short-lived presidential candidate Marianne Williamson was off her rocker, buckle up, because Colombia’s latest political maneuver is not about drug cartels, inflation, or international diplomacy. No, no, it’s about something far more sinister, something that transcends borders, something that’s wreaking havoc on the nation: bad vibes. That’s right, folks—President Gustavo Petro has officially declared war on negative energy. Forget traditional political enemies; Petro’s staring down the barrel of a much tougher opponent: collective emotional funk.
You’d think I was kidding, but this is 100% legit. At a press conference that felt more like a New Age retreat than a policy briefing, President Petro took the mic and announced that Colombia’s chronic malaise wasn’t just economic, but spiritual. “Our nation is weighed down by negativity,” he proclaimed, eyes twinkling like a guru who just found enlightenment at a juice cleanse. “We will not be prosperous until we lift the weight of bad vibes that suffocates our potential.”
So what’s the plan? Is it a stimulus package? Military intervention? No, my friend. Petro’s solution is simpler than that. He’s launching a nationwide positivity campaign, complete with government-sponsored meditation sessions, yoga classes, and something called “national vibe realignment day.” (Please, try to say that with a straight face.) He’s even appointed a “Minister of Positive Energy,” whose sole job is to travel around the country holding mindfulness workshops and distributing free crystals. Because who needs infrastructure when you’ve got a nice chunk of amethyst?
And it doesn’t stop there. Petro has urged Colombians to actively reject bad vibes in their daily lives. He wants them to stop gossiping, cut back on the angry Facebook rants, and, for God’s sake, smile more. Rumor has it he’s working on legislation that would make excessive complaining a fineable offense. But hey, if you’re caught grumbling about the economy, you’ll at least be handed a complimentary sage stick to cleanse your aura while you pay the fine.
Opposition parties, of course, are having a field day with this. Critics are calling it “the most unserious policy in Colombian history,” which, honestly, is saying something when you look at Colombian politics over the last few decades. Conservative leaders have accused Petro of using woo-woo spirituality to distract from real problems, like rising unemployment and sky-high crime rates. One opposition leader sarcastically remarked, “I didn’t realize the solution to our country’s issues was just to meditate them away. If I had known, I would’ve skipped economics class and invested in yoga pants.”
But here’s the kicker: some Colombians are actually into this idea. After years of instability and political drama, maybe they’re ready for a break from the chaos. Why not try a national cleanse? After all, it’s easier to do downward dog than deal with spiraling inflation. Petro’s “war on bad vibes” may sound ridiculous, but after decades of turmoil, maybe a little zen is exactly what Colombia needs.
And you’ve got to admit, there’s something magical about a country where the president addresses the nation to say, “Let’s all just, like, chill out.” So, the next time Colombia hits the news, don’t be surprised if it’s because they’ve declared a national meditation holiday. Namaste, Colombia. Namaste.
And somewhere out there, a bunch of spiritual gurus are applauding Petro for finally bringing politics and chakra alignment together. The only thing missing is a law that mandates everyone drink green juice before work. But hey, there’s always next year.
