Let me just take a second here. A deep breath. Because what I’m about to say might just set my own damn hair on fire. As of today, September 19, 2024, we—as a nation of presumably thinking people—are looking at the same guy who tried to overthrow the government, AND HE IS TIED (TIED!!!!) with Kamala Harris for the presidency.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
How? HOW does a man who practically invented new levels of incompetence and corruption get 47% of the American vote?! This is a guy who doesn’t understand basic geography and thinks “windmills cause cancer”! How does someone like that get HALF the country to seriously think he should be president again? Is America just collectively blackout drunk at this point, or are we actively trolling the planet?
Let’s just quickly rewind to January 6th, 2021. Oh, you remember, when Captain Chaos here decided that democracy wasn’t really his thing and sent a horde of lunatics to storm the Capitol! The Capitol! And yet, here we are in 2024, and this human-shaped dumpster fire is within inches of winning the White House again
Kamala Harris, meanwhile, has been out here doing the work, trying to pull this flaming wreckage of a country back together while dodging garbage from both the left and right. She’s the Vice President of the United States, and she’s busting her ass to make sure we still have a planet left to live on. And yet, somehow, people still think, “Nah, I miss the guy who tried to nuke hurricanes.”
You want to know what’s even worse? Trump’s campaign is a literal criminal investigation at this point. The man has more indictments than he has teeth! And it’s not even for boring stuff like tax evasion—no, this man is out here, getting indicted for trying to steal democracy! And people are still like, “Well, you know, Kamala’s a little too liberal for my taste.” TOO LIBERAL?! Are you on glue? What’s the alternative here? Let’s just throw out the entire Constitution and let Trump run the country like he’s throwing a backyard BBQ, but instead of burgers, it’s nuclear weapons.
And let’s talk about these voters for a second. The same people who scream about patriotism and freedom are backing the guy who quite literally tried to end democracy as we know it. These are the same people who probably think “The Purge” is a documentary on how to handle political disagreements. What is going on?! Why is this happening? How have we devolved to the point where Kamala Harris, a former prosecutor and the sitting Vice President, is in a dead heat with a man who once tried to buy Greenland?
Listen, I get it. You didn’t like Hillary. You thought Biden was old. But now, NOW, you’re really going to tell me that after all we’ve been through, you want to give Trump the nuclear codes again?! The same guy who can’t handle a simple handshake without it turning into a three-minute arm-wrestling match?
So here we are, America. Here we f**king are. On the cusp of another election, where Kamala Harris is neck and neck with a man who thinks climate change is a hoax invented by the Chinese and that Vladimir Putin is a genius. Congratulations, we’ve officially hit rock bottom—no, scratch that, we’re digging through the bottom, trying to make our way to the molten core of stupidity.
In conclusion, if this country really does hand the keys back to Trump in November, then you know what? Fine. We deserve it. Just let me know so I can move to my private nuclear bunker before the fireworks start.
