March 12, 1993. A day that, in the grand tradition of historical moments that make you want to clutch your head and reach for the aspirin, saw North Korea stand up, clear its throat, and declare: “You know what? We’re out.”
Yes, North Korea—ever the unpredictable dinner guest of international diplomacy—announced that it would be withdrawing from the Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons (NPT). This was not the kind of RSVP anyone wanted. The reason? The pesky inspectors from the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) had been poking around, asking difficult questions like, “Why does your nuclear report have more holes than a Swiss cheese that’s just been in a shootout?” The North Korean response? A resounding, “None of your business! Also, we’re leaving!”
The world, understandably, had a bit of a collective panic attack. North Korea storming off with its nuclear ambitions in tow was akin to a petulant teenager slamming their bedroom door—except instead of mood swings and bad poetry, they were hoarding enriched uranium.
Now, let’s jump to today, where that 1993 tantrum has blossomed into a full-fledged nuclear weapons program. North Korea is no longer just making vague threats—it has an estimated 50 assembled nuclear warheads and the material to make up to 90 more. Because apparently, what the world needs right now is more things to be existentially worried about.
And just this month, in a move that can only be described as “concerning” (which is diplomatic speak for Oh dear God, what now?!), North Korea unveiled its first nuclear-powered submarine. That’s right—submarines. Because what’s better than a secretive, nuclear-armed dictatorship? A secretive, nuclear-armed dictatorship that can now lurk unseen beneath the waves like some kind of deeply unsettling geopolitical Jaws. Kim Jong Un himself was there to inspect it, nodding approvingly as if to say, “Yes, this will do nicely.”
Meanwhile, in a development that sent international relations experts into fits of despair, Donald Trump recently referred to North Korea as a “nuclear power.” Which, let’s be honest, is like telling a misbehaving toddler that they’re really good at throwing tantrums—it’s only going to encourage them.
And as if things weren’t dystopian enough, North Korea isn’t just making nuclear weapons—it’s funding them through cybercrime. Recent reports suggest that its hackers have been engaging in enormous cryptocurrency heists, because of course they have. Apparently, when you’re under some of the harshest economic sanctions in the world, your best bet is to turn to a high-tech life of digital crime. It’s almost impressive—like if a James Bond villain suddenly got really into Bitcoin.
So, here we are, more than three decades after North Korea’s diplomatic exit, and the world is still dealing with the fallout—both literal and figurative. The international community continues to try and rein in Pyongyang, balancing diplomacy, sanctions, and sheer blind hope that nothing goes catastrophically wrong. Meanwhile, North Korea keeps adding nuclear warheads and, now, stealthy submarines to its collection, while the rest of us look on, sigh heavily, and think, “Well, this is going to end well, isn’t it?”
