March 10, 1876—Alexander Graham Bell makes the first successful phone call, and humanity’s slow descent into phone hell begins. It was a historic moment. Bell said, “Mr. Watson, come here, I want to see you.” Which, honestly, sounds like a booty call if I’ve ever heard one.
Before the phone, if you wanted to talk to someone far away, you had to write a letter. And that letter would travel by horse, or maybe pigeon, and by the time it got there, whatever you needed to say was old news. “Dear Mom, I’m engaged. P.S. I’m also dead because the trip took six months. Love, Emily.”
But then Bell came along with his invention, and suddenly, you could talk to someone miles away without waiting months for a response. And that was great—until telemarketers got ahold of it. Suddenly, dinner time turned into “Hello, would you like to buy insurance?” The only insurance I need is against getting more phone calls from you, pal.
And politicians? Oh, they loved the phone. They went from standing on soapboxes to ringing up every house in America. You think robocalls are annoying now? Imagine being the first person ever to get a political call. “Hello, this is Senator Boring. Would you like to hear my 17-point plan for economic growth?” No, Senator, I’d rather slam my head in a door.
The telephone also led to some serious political drama. Watergate? That’s all about phone taps. Nixon would’ve gotten away with it if Bell hadn’t made it possible to record every stupid thing he said. Thanks to the phone, we went from “I am not a crook” to “You’re on speakerphone, you idiot!”
And let’s not forget how the phone made business possible at lightning speed. Wall Street turned into a madhouse because you could now lose your fortune in real-time. Bell’s invention transformed the stock market from a place where deals were made with a handshake to a place where billionaires could scream “SELL!” into a receiver and ruin everyone’s day in under a second.
But the real gift of the telephone? Family drama. Now, instead of waiting until Thanksgiving to fight with your relatives, you could do it instantly. Your mom could call you and say, “I heard you’re not married yet,” and you’d have to come up with an excuse on the spot. “Uh, sorry, Mom, I’m in a tunnel. A tunnel of happiness that doesn’t involve judgmental phone calls!”
And now we’ve got smartphones, which are basically the final form of Bell’s invention. The whole world in your pocket—and what do we use it for? Arguing with strangers on the internet and sending pictures of our lunch. You think Bell invented this incredible technology so you could swipe left on Tinder? He was trying to connect humanity, not help you find a hookup within a 5-mile radius.
But credit where it’s due. Bell changed the world. He brought people together, gave rise to modern communication, and made sure that no matter where you are, you can always get a phone call right when you’re in the bathroom. So, let’s all take a moment to thank Alexander Graham Bell—the man who made it possible for your car’s extended warranty to haunt you forever.
