You know, folks, it takes a lot to be crowned Skidmark of the Week. We don’t just hand this out to anyone. You’ve really gotta earn it. But this week? Oh, this week was special. This week, every single Democratic member of Congress, with only one exception, stepped up, said, “Hold my beer,” and proved they deserve this award more than anyone in recent memory.
Let’s paint the scene. Donald Trump, America’s favorite court-dodging game show host, strutted into Congress for his big State of the Delusion speech. The country’s burning, democracy’s hanging on by a thread, and what do the Democrats do to show their opposition? What do they do to push back against the guy who tried to overthrow the government? They… wear pink.
Oh yeah. That’ll stop fascism. Nothing terrifies an authoritarian regime like a well-coordinated color palette. Hitler was gonna invade Poland, but then he saw a lady in a salmon blazer and said, “Oh no, never mind.”
Now, to be fair, one Democrat actually did stand up to Trump: Al Green. You know, the one guy in Congress who’s got more guts than a Texas BBQ festival. He shouted “You have no mandate to cut Medicaid!” right in Trump’s face. And in response, he was dragged out like an unruly wedding guest. The only Democrat who had the balls to fight back? Kicked out.
And the rest of the party—his own party—what did they do? Oh, they didn’t just leave him hanging. They voted to censure him. Ten Democrats actually decided that the real problem in America isn’t voter suppression, or creeping authoritarianism, or skyrocketing inequality. No, the real danger… is that Al Green hurt Donald Trump’s feelings.
Because when you’ve got a guy who’s been indicted more times than he’s been faithful to a wife, the real crime… is manners.
And then there’s the official Democratic response. Elissa Slotkin stepped up to the mic and said… absolutely nothing of value. Just a bland, centrist appeal with all the urgency of a DMV worker on their lunch break. The only people inspired by her speech were pharmaceutical lobbyists and Nancy Pelosi’s stock portfolio.
And yet, these are the same Democrats who want you to show up for them in the midterms. “Vote for us! Defend democracy!” Oh yeah? Defend it how? With coordinated outfits and ping-pong paddle signs? I don’t know, maybe next time try words. Maybe actions. Hell, at this point, I’d take a mildly aggressive haiku.
So congratulations, congressional Democrats. You are this week’s Skidmark of the Week. Not just because you failed, but because you failed with style. You had one job—to stand up to a wannabe dictator—and you chose the same strategy as a Taylor Swift fan club meeting.
So enjoy your well-earned title. Wear it with pride. Maybe even… I don’t know… make T-shirts. We know how much you love those.
