Okay. Stop. Just stop. Because I need someone—ANYONE—to explain this to me like I’m five years old, because that is apparently the level of cognitive function we’re working with now.
The United States of America—THE U.S. OF FREAKING A.—just voted AGAINST a United Nations resolution condemning Russia for its war in Ukraine. Yeah, you heard me. The same war Russia started. The same war we’ve been shoveling billions of dollars into, trying to help Ukraine defend itself. And now, NOW, we’re siding with Russia? Oh, I’m sorry, did I wake up in an alternate dimension? Did I miss the part where Vladimir Putin won the Iowa caucuses?
This was a resolution introduced by Ukraine, the U.K., and the European Union. You know, the people we usually agree with when it comes to, oh I don’t know, not letting dictators invade countries and murder civilians! The vote wasn’t even close—93 nations backed it, 18 said no, and 65 chickened out and abstained. And the United States? We looked at that big, steaming pile of common sense and said, “Nah, pass.” We voted WITH RUSSIA. Alongside Belarus. And North Korea. Which, last time I checked, are not the teams we usually want to be on!
But wait, it gets better. Oh yes, my friends, because the U.S. didn’t just vote against condemning Russia. We also abstained from voting on our OWN resolution. That’s right. We proposed a different resolution, one we supposedly wanted, but then, when other countries had the audacity to add a little language—just a little!—that explicitly blamed Russia, we got all squeamish and backed away like a kid who farted in church.
And why, you ask? What possible explanation could there be for this mind-melting insanity? Well, buckle up, because here comes the official White House spin: President Trump wants to make peace. Yes. He wants to personally negotiate with Vladimir Putin, because the last three years of global resistance? The crushing economic sanctions? The military support for Ukraine? All just a warm-up act for the art of the deal!
Now, let’s just take a second here. Because this is the same guy who couldn’t negotiate his way out of a Macy’s return policy. He thinks he’s going to waltz into a room with Putin, shake hands, maybe offer him a free round at Mar-a-Lago, and bada-bing, bada-boom, world peace! I mean, sure. Maybe if you define “peace” as “Ukraine shutting up, handing Russia a chunk of land, and pretending none of this ever happened.”
But hold on, because we haven’t even gotten to the real masterpiece of lunacy. Not only is Trump cozying up to Putin, but his administration has quietly suggested that Ukraine should stop complaining and sign a $500 billion economic deal with Russia. Oh, yeah. That’s right. The White House is basically telling Ukraine, “Hey, you know all those minerals in your land? Why not just sell some of those to Russia? You know, the people currently bombing your cities? What’s a little war between business partners?”
Can we just stop for a second and appreciate the sheer audacity of this? Imagine your neighbor breaks into your house, trashes the place, steals your TV, and punches your dog. And then, some guy in a suit shows up and says, “Hey, maybe stop complaining about your neighbor and sell him the fridge. It’s worth a lot, and if you give him something nice, maybe he’ll stop setting fire to your backyard!”
And if all of this weren’t enough to make your head explode like a microwaved hot dog, the rest of the world is now looking at us like we’ve lost our goddamn minds. French President Emmanuel Macron had to show up at the White House like a substitute teacher trying to get a classroom of sugar-high kids to focus. He basically said, “Hey, guys? Remember NATO? Remember that whole ‘not appeasing tyrants’ thing? Maybe let’s not give Putin everything he wants on a silver platter?” But of course, that was met with the usual Trumpian word salad, something about how Macron is “very nice, very classy,” but that Trump knows better.
So, here we are. The United States, the country that once stood up to Hitler, that built the post-war order, that defined itself as a beacon of democracy, is now shrugging and saying, “Eh, let’s see what Putin wants.” And Ukraine? The country that’s been fighting for its survival for three years? We’re telling them to shut up and sign a business deal with their invaders.
If you’re not screaming into a pillow right now, I don’t know what to tell you.
