So let me get this straight. Over the weekend, the President of the United States—who, by the way, treats international diplomacy like he’s trying to return an air fryer without a receipt—just wakes up one day and slaps tariffs on Canada, Mexico, and China. Just boom! A 25% tax on Canada and Mexico, 10% on China. Why? Because of fentanyl. Yeah, because when I think “fentanyl kingpins,” I think of our polite, maple syrup-chugging neighbors to the north.
And what happens next? The stock market absolutely faceplants. Just nosedives like a dad trying to prove he can still skateboard. Investors are freaking out, business leaders are calling emergency meetings, and somewhere in a corporate office, some guy named Todd is stress-eating his entire week’s worth of protein bars because his portfolio just tanked.
So now it’s Monday, and suddenly we’re in Let’s Make a Deal! mode. Trump gets on the phone with Canada and Mexico like, “Alright, alright, alright—I’ll hold off on tanking your economies for 30 days if you just… I don’t know… throw some more security guards at the border or something.” And Canada, who was just standing there, minding their own business, is like, “Uh… okay? We’ll hire a ‘fentanyl czar’ or whatever the hell that is?” And Mexico, who’s been through this rodeo before, is like, “Sure, we’ll send 10,000 troops to the border, but just so you know, they’re also going to have to deal with all the Americans trying to escape to Cancún when this economy goes belly-up.”
And let’s talk about this fentanyl excuse for a second. Less than 1% of fentanyl in the U.S. comes from Canada. One. Percent. That’s like banning all pizza delivery because one guy in Nebraska got food poisoning from a bad slice. Like, imagine if someone came up to you and said, “Hey man, my house got robbed. I think it was that one kid down the street.” And you go, “Alright, cool, I’ll go punch everybody in the city just to be safe.” That’s what just happened on a global scale.
Now, is anyone actually surprised by this? Of course not! This is exactly how this guy operates. Step 1: Do something ridiculous. Step 2: Wait for everyone to freak out. Step 3: Walk it back just enough so it looks like he “won” something. It’s like watching a toddler throw a tantrum, then settle for a lollipop instead of the entire candy aisle.
And the best part? After all this chaos, all this drama, nothing actually gets solved. The opioid crisis is still raging, border issues are still a mess, and now the economy is more unstable than your buddy who just got dumped and decided to take up skydiving. But hey, at least we got 30 days before the next meltdown!
So buckle up, folks. Because in a month, we’re gonna be right back here, watching this same dumbass circus, except this time, who knows? Maybe Australia will get tariffs for causing wildfires or Germany will be punished for inventing techno music. Nothing’s off the table anymore!
