Alright, so Mississippi lawmakers are at it again, folks. This time, they’ve cooked up a bill that says—and I’m not making this up—men can’t, you know, discharge their genetic material unless they’re planning to fertilize an egg. Yep, the government wants to make sure every little swimmer has a purpose. Let’s all take a moment to appreciate just how spectacularly insane that is.
I mean, can you imagine the enforcement of this? What’s the plan here—hidden cameras in bedrooms? Random checkpoints where guys have to declare their intentions before, uh, “handling their business”? Like, what are they gonna say? “Excuse me, sir, but do you have a signed affidavit from an egg that you’re about to fertilize?”
And the fines! Oh, the fines are gold. First offense? A thousand bucks. Second offense? Five grand. Third offense? Ten thousand dollars! At that point, it’s not even about punishment anymore; it’s a business model. Mississippi, are you broke? Blink twice if you need help, and we’ll send a GoFundMe your way.
But here’s the kicker: the guy who proposed the bill? He’s in on the joke. He’s like, “Yeah, this is totally ridiculous, but I’m trying to make a point.” And you know what? Respect. Because for decades, it’s been all about controlling women’s bodies. Every time there’s a reproductive bill, it’s, “Hey, let’s make it harder for women to do anything about their situation.” But now? It’s like Senator Bradford Blackmon just walked into the room, flipped the script, and went, “How about we put the shoe on the other foot, fellas? Let’s see how you like it!”
Imagine the conversations this bill is sparking. Dudes across Mississippi are reading this like, “Wait, what do you mean I can’t—? But what if I’m just bored on a Tuesday night?” Yeah, buddy, apparently you’re now contractually obligated to have long-term plans for every little tadpole. Hope you enjoy drafting a vision board every time nature calls.
And of course, there are exceptions! Sperm donations? Totally fine. But only if it’s for fertilization. So, I guess clinics are now the only acceptable place for recreational activities. Imagine the lines. “Yeah, I’m here to make a deposit. No, I don’t have an appointment, but trust me, this can’t wait.”
But seriously, the real brilliance here is that it’s satire. This bill isn’t going to pass—it’s here to make a point. And that point? Maybe, just maybe, we need to start looking at reproduction as a two-player game. Because last I checked, it takes two to tango. Yet every law on this stuff is like, “Women, figure it out. Men? You’re good. Go play golf or whatever.”
So, bravo, Mississippi. You’ve managed to highlight just how absurd our reproductive laws can be. And if nothing else, this bill gives us one hell of a conversation starter. But for the love of all that’s holy, let’s keep the government out of our pants, okay? You’ve already got taxes, speed limits, and jury duty. Do we really need you policing people’s alone time too?
