So, California is on fire—again. Shocking, I know. This time, though, it’s not just the flames or the smoke choking the life out of people; it’s also Mike Johnson. Because when you think about the perfect time to kick someone while they’re down, it’s right after they’ve lost their house, their business, or, you know, maybe a family member in a raging inferno. Right? That’s peak leadership.
Johnson, who somehow managed to crawl out of whatever rock he’s been hiding under to become Speaker of the House again, had the brilliant idea to propose stipulations for disaster aid to California wildfire victims. Stipulations. Like disaster relief is some kind of Costco free sample. “Oh, you want water and shelter? Cool, but first, let’s talk about your forest management policies. Also, have you tried just not being on fire?”
This is why Mike Johnson is this week’s Skidmark of the Week. Because when you hear “disaster,” most people think, “How can I help?” Mike Johnson thinks, “How can I make this worse?”
And the logic here? It’s flawless, right? According to Johnson, the fires are basically California’s fault. You know, bad policies, bad management, too much kombucha. That’s the problem. Sure, climate change is happening, and droughts are like the new avocado toast—everywhere. But no, it’s California’s leadership that’s to blame. Because, apparently, wildfires listen to Gavin Newsom’s press conferences and decide whether to burn depending on the vibe.
And just to be clear, this isn’t how disaster relief is supposed to work. Historically, the government steps in during a crisis and says, “We’ve got you. Here’s what you need to survive.” They don’t say, “We’ve got you… as long as you sign here, here, and here and agree to never look us in the eye again.”
But not this guy. Mike Johnson saw people losing everything, entire towns reduced to ash, and said, “You know what they need? Red tape. That’ll cheer them up.”
It’s wild, though, because if you start adding stipulations to disaster aid now, where does it end? Like, when Florida gets hit by another hurricane, are we going to ask them to promise to stop voting for Matt Gaetz? Actually, you know what, I’d support that one. That’s fair. But the point is, disaster aid shouldn’t be partisan. Hurricanes, wildfires, tornadoes—they don’t care how you voted. They just destroy everything equally, like nature’s version of Netflix cancelling your favorite show.
And here’s the kicker: Mike Johnson didn’t just casually suggest this in a random comment. No, he’s trying to make it a precedent. A precedent. That means he wants every future disaster relief decision to come with a side of political horse-trading. “Oh, you’re flooded? Well, how do you feel about fracking?”
In closing, let me just say this: Mike Johnson could’ve been a hero. He could’ve stepped up and helped people in their darkest hour. Instead, he chose to be the guy who reminds everyone why Skidmark of the Week exists. Congratulations, Mike. You’re not just a disaster—you’re the fine print that makes a disaster even worse.
