Ladies and gentlemen, let’s give it up for this week’s winner of the “Skidmark of the Week” award: Judge Aileen Cannon! A true trailblazer in the art of judicial gymnastics and selective accountability. Seriously, if corrupt decisions were an Olympic sport, she’d be on the podium waving to the crowd while the rest of us burn our tax returns in protest.
Now, here’s what’s happened. Special Counsel Jack Smith spent a year investigating Trump—digging through his lies, his classified document hoarding, and probably his stale Diet Coke stash—to put together this blockbuster report. Millions of our tax dollars went into it. Millions! That’s enough to buy every American a round of drinks, which we probably need now that Cannon’s blocked us from seeing what we paid for. Thanks, Judge. You’re really bringing transparency to a whole new level… by turning off all the lights and yelling, “Trust me!”
And she’s done this before, folks. Remember those two other guys charged alongside Trump? Walt Nauta, his personal aide, and Carlos De Oliveira, the Mar-a-Lago maintenance man? Prosecutors said they helped Trump move and hide classified documents. What did Cannon do? She dismissed their charges faster than you could say, “Obstruction of justice.” If Trump’s legal troubles were a reality show, she’d be handing out immunity idols left and right. “You’re safe, you’re safe—everybody’s safe, except the taxpayers!”
Now, let’s talk about timing. Trump’s inauguration is just weeks away. Once he’s back in the Oval Office, the Department of Justice might as well put up a “Gone Fishin’” sign because longstanding policy protects sitting presidents from prosecution. It’s like a get-out-of-jail-free card, but only if your name rhymes with “chump.”
But Cannon? Oh, she’s working overtime to make sure her guy doesn’t even need the card. She’s not just stacking the deck; she’s burning the rulebook and replacing it with Trump’s autobiography. By the way, if you haven’t read it, it’s a great book. I hear it doubles as a doorstop.
And here’s the kicker. Blocking this report doesn’t just insult taxpayers—it’s like giving the finger to democracy itself. The report is about whether a guy who’s about to become president (again!) broke the law. If we don’t have a right to see that, what do we have a right to? A mug that says, “I survived democracy, and all I got was this lousy authoritarian regime”?
But hey, it’s not just Trump she’s shielding. Cannon also made sure Nauta and De Oliveira could get back to their regular lives of… what? Polishing golf carts and deleting evidence? She’s out here giving them the legal equivalent of a high-five and a participation trophy. “Good effort, guys. Obstruction’s hard work.”
Folks, this is more than a skidmark. This is a full-blown legal oil spill. Aileen Cannon isn’t just bad at her job; she’s redefining it. And for that, she is—without a doubt—our “Skidmark of the Week.” Congratulations, Judge Cannon. You’ve earned it. Too bad the rest of us just got stuck with the laundry.
