Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2024 Skidmark of the Year awards. Let’s start with the obvious: if democracy were underwear, this year’s winners would be the brown streaks you’d rather pretend didn’t happen.
Joe Biden
Oh, Joe. Sweet, sweet Joe. Our Skidmark of the Year. The man who looked at the Democratic Party, saw a dumpster fire, and thought, “You know what this needs? A little gasoline.” Biden hung on to his presidential campaign like your dad hangs on to a flip phone—out of touch, stubborn, and embarrassing for everyone involved. The guy’s team thought “We’re not Donald Trump” was a killer campaign slogan. Joe, we get it. You’re not Trump. But you know what else you’re not? Inspiring. Engaging. Conscious half the time.
And when the ship was finally sinking, Joe grabs a life raft—but instead of helping the party rebuild, he endorses Kamala Harris as his successor. It’s like watching someone accidentally set their house on fire and then hand the lighter to their clumsy roommate.
Runner-Up: Kamala Harris
Kamala. Oh, Kamala. A campaign built on two pillars: “We’re not Donald Trump” and… wait for it… “joy.” That’s right, folks. In the face of economic collapse and social unrest, Kamala thought, “You know what people need? Joy.” Lady, this isn’t a Pixar movie. People don’t need balloons and sunshine; they need jobs, affordable healthcare, and a reason not to drink before noon.
And let’s not forget, in an open primary, Kamala would’ve gone down faster than dial-up internet. But no, she let Joe’s endorsement prop her up like a bad sequel nobody asked for. The voters didn’t want “Not Trump 2: Electric Boogaloo.” They wanted leadership, and instead, they got TED Talk platitudes with a side of awkward laughs.
Second Runner-Up: Gavin Newsom
Ah, Gavin Newsom. California’s poster child for missed opportunities. Gavin looked at the flaming wreckage of the Biden campaign and thought, “You know what? I’ll sit this one out.” Honorable? Maybe. Idiotic? Definitely. The man had a chance to step in, restore some dignity, and maybe even win—but instead, he decided to play it safe. Newsom’s decision not to challenge Harris and the lack of a real nomination process was like watching a lifeguard refuse to save a drowning swimmer because he didn’t want to get his hair wet.
By staying on the sidelines, Gavin let the party flounder, leaving voters with a choice between apathy and despair. Thanks for nothing, Gavin. Really.
The Big Picture
This year’s political strategy was like a bad group project: nobody did their part, and now we’re all stuck paying for it. Instead of focusing on the needs of the American people, the Democrats ran on a platform of “not Trump,” as if that’s enough to win over a nation desperate for real solutions. And now, because of their incompetence, we’re looking down the barrel of Donald Trump’s second inauguration. January 20th is shaping up to be the political equivalent of stepping on a Lego in the dark. Painful. Avoidable. And somehow, entirely our fault.
So congratulations, Biden, Harris, and Newsom. You didn’t just drop the ball—you lit it on fire and kicked it into traffic. Here’s hoping 2025 has a few fewer skidmarks on the road to recovery.
