Alright, folks. Here we go again—Washington state, Oregon, Nevada—they’re calling in the National Guard for Election Day. The National Guard. You know, those poor folks who signed up to help in times of crisis, not referee an election! But here we are, pulling out the troops to make sure that people can drop a piece of paper in a box without it getting turned into a bonfire.
Look at Washington state. They’re just trying to have a regular Tuesday, folks. But no, some joker in Vancouver torches a ballot box, and now they’re activating the Guard just to make sure people can vote without having their democracy go up in flames—literally. They’re probably out there saying, “Please, no flaming ballots, no arson.” Because believe it or not, that’s how we’re deciding who’s going to be in charge for the next four years. No one gets to light up democracy like it’s Fourth of July leftovers, alright?
And then we’ve got Oregon. Oregon says, “Hold my craft beer, Washington, we’ve got our own batch of lunatics.” Someone there, not to be outdone, decides to throw incendiary devices into ballot drop boxes in Portland. So, Oregon’s National Guard gets called up too. And they’re not even telling us where they’re going to be. Oh, no. It’s like, “Surprise! We’re hiding the National Guard because we don’t want you to know where they’ll be standing around, looking disappointed that this is what they’re doing on Election Day.”
And Nevada, Nevada can’t be left out! They put 60 Guard members on standby. Their job? Support the cops, keep the peace, and, you know, make sure everyone’s voting calmly, like they’re in line for a ride at Disneyland, not storming the gates. They’ll be out there directing traffic, watching polling stations—making sure no one goes nuts because someone wants to vote with a different-colored pen. We’re putting our finest citizens in military uniforms just to keep people from losing their minds over the absolute mundane act of voting.
You think this is a joke? The Department of Homeland Security is giving warnings about threats to election infrastructure. It’s like we need a national announcement: “Hey, everyone, Election Day is not the day for you to go ballistic.” It’s the one day we all agree to calmly fill in little bubbles and see how it turns out. That’s all! And here we are, calling in the Guard to make sure that happens without a riot.
The National Guard isn’t here to make a scene, alright? They don’t want to be there either. They’re just doing their job. They’re there to remind us that this is not a day for fistfights, arson, or whatever craziness someone thought would be a fun Election Day prank. It’s a day for casting ballots, not losing your minds because you saw a sign you didn’t like.
This isn’t complicated, people. We’re doing all this to make sure that everyone’s voice can be heard, that democracy gets to have its moment without some yahoo lighting things on fire. So maybe let’s keep it together, huh?
